TheMommyBlog

Thursday, October 23, 2003

There is no connection between the title of this post and the post itself.....but I did demo a project I’ve been working on for half the year to our CEO today. It was a very useful and creative tool that many of my coworkers have been itching to use, and I was anxious to get it launched. Thing was, I couldn’t roll it out, or even show it to very many people, until I had demo’d it for the big guy first.

“Hi, [executive assistant]. Think you could get me in for 10 minutes to show [big guy] my reporting tool before I launch it?”

“Sure. Let’s see...how about November 15?”

On the inside: “???What the hell??? Are you shitting me? That’s over a month away!”
On the outside: “Well, I could wait that long, but I really would like to get this thing launched so folks could use it in their year-end planning...”

“He’s traveling a bit and very booked up.”

“Oh sure, I’m aware of that. But I really only need five minutes to show him the link and show him how to poke around so he can tell me what else he’d like to see included.”

“There’s just no time.”

“Fine. Book the 15th. I’ll just go cry myself to sleep.”

--Later--

“I couldn’t stand to hear you so disappointed, and a trip was cancelled, how about 10 on the 23rd for 15 minutes?

“I’ll be there with bells on.”

Two days later: “I’ve moved you to 2.”

One day later: “I’ve moved you to 2:15.”

Four hours later: “I’ve moved you to again to 3. And I’ll be gone the rest of the day at a team-building-exercise-with-the-other-executive-assistants-just-let-yourself-in-good-luck!’

Long story short, I was in and out in 10. He absolutely loved it, raved about it later to others on Poobah Row, and I went back to my office so limp with relief and happiness that I could not muster a sufficient number of adjacent brain cells do another lick of work for the rest of the day.

Why, I ask you, did I and countless others before me feel such pressure to be brief and be gone, when the thing we’re being brief about took months of analysis and hard work? Why do we feel that it’s so important to scrape and bow and beg for a chance to (quickly!) offer a tool that will make EVERYONE’S JOB EASIER? THE VERY JOBS THAT ARE SO HAIR-RAISING BECAUSE HE ASKS FOR RIDICULOUSLY COMPLEX DATA IN BAFFLING FORMATS THAT ARE IMPOSSIBLE TO CONSTRUCT, MAINTAIN, OR EVER AGAIN REPLICATE?????

By the way, Dee, that daquiri was gooooood.

Wednesday, October 22, 2003

57 pages of revised contracts for grants affected by Dubya’s sanctions in Myanmar

17 emails about which grants are really affected

$4 1/2 million in grant payments out the door

7 emails giving me whiplash--yes pay it--no don’t pay it--oh don’t pay that one either--why? Is it too late? (Noooooo, I can just continue to hover my finger over the “Send” button until you’re entirely sure...)

five full minutes of banging my head on my desk at the thought of a coworker maintaining complicated manual spreadsheets outside the main database, which, by the way, are for exclusive use of the CEO

one monumental hissyfit from said CEO when the manual reports were wrong

one abject begging session to let me automate said complicated manual reports so I don’t have to explain under pressure over and over why they don’t tie with the main database (Um, they’re manual. Hellooooo!)

one hastily constructed database to accommodate CEO’s capricious reporting preferences. Fortunately, can adapt the one apparently successful format from the manual reports--their only merit, by the way

one hour, fifty minutes spent resisting urge to clamp a certain head in a vise and squeeze slowly, turning lever one quarter-turn for each sip of my large, frozen daquiri ("Hmmmm, I don’t like this format. Try again. No, I’m not going to give you a hint as to what format I have in mind. I’ll know it when I see it. Owowowowowowowowwwwwww!")

Wednesday, October 22, 2003

The good news: Daphne is developing a healthy interest in the potty.

The bad news: Daphne is developing a healthy interest in the potty.

Tuesday, October 21, 2003

You may (or may not) wonder how I can only have one item on my music list. Could I really still be listening to the Be Good Tanyas?

Yup. And not even the whole thing. Just The Littlest Birds and Momsong. That last one has me hooked. The way she sings it is just heart-tingling. It’s very short, but it’s so soulful that it makes me want to leave instructions for my children to stand up at the front of the room at my funeral and recite it:

You said to yourself that we did not love you
All of the year hands didn’t mean nothin’
You told yourself we would not forgive you
Mistakes that you made would keep us separated

Comin’ home hard day done
Comin’ home hard day done

Don’t you know it’s your laugh we laugh that pulls us through
And the strength and the love that we carry
We got it from you

Wow. That was pretty sappy. Quick! An antidote!.

Sunday, October 19, 2003

Someone sent me this email from a new mom who was corrected for breastfeeding her child on Southwest Airlines, by the flight attendant:

hey ladies, just wanted to let you know about an experience i had on southwest airlines and to see if any of you have had similar events.  i was discreetly breastfeeding my baby on takeoff when the flight attendant came over with a blanket and asked me to “cover up.” i asked her why and she told me i was being “offensive” to the 5 year old boy across the aisle.  there was a boy across the aisle and back a bit, but i doubt he could even see me as i was seated in the middle aisle and there was a large man on the aisle seated next to me.  furthermore, i doubt that he or any child would be “offended” by breastfeeding.  i don’t know if his mother called over the attendant or if the attendant took it upon herself.  she asked me, “well dont you think it’s offensive?” i said “no!” and refused to take the blanket.  i regret not getting her full name, but did write a letter to SWA requesting their policy on breastfeeding and what, if any, education is provided to flight attendants regarding breastfeeding children on flights.  i also told them i would never use their airline again.  i’m curious to see if any of you have had any similar experiences on an airline and how you’ve handled it.  of course, there are many things i wish i had said to this woman, most of which shall go nameless here! thanks for listening.

You know, there really only needs to be one item on the list of reasons why it is ALWAYS acceptable to nurse a child on a airplane:

It keeps their ears pressurized!! Hello!!

Little babies can’t swallow or do anything else to pressurize their own ears, and that is why so many moms time feedings (or bottles or binkies) for takeoff and landing--it’s the best advice I ever had for travelling: “Nurse up and nurse down.” It seems like a simple choice between discomfiting a prude with the thought of a glimpse of breast or annoying an entire plane with ear-splitting shrieks.

Idiots. Oh. That reminds me: once, while travelling with a three-month old (must have been my first, since we were alone), a young woman in my row (Not even next to me! There was a seat between us!!) looked around the airplane and said, “There might be another seat for you where you can be alone. I’m sure they will help you move.” I looked at the baby, the diaper bag, the blankets, my headphones, my books, the toys, and the small concession stand I had made of my purse, and replied, “I don’t mind sitting with you. But thanks.” Can you believe it? I hadn’t even had a chance to do to her what I did to a businessman sitting right next to me on the previous flight ( I sprayed his business suit with milk when the baby pulled away suddenly to look around).

Bitch. Oh. That reminds me: just kidding. Just wanted to see if you thought I would start talking about you. Carry on.