TheMommyBlog

Thursday, July 29, 2010 QOTD

If I wake up with a needle in my eyeball, I’m gonna be pissed.
—Logan, as I dropped my needlepoint in bed

Monday, July 19, 2010 QOTD

Mom, your thigh is bigger than my head.
—Name Withheld

Wednesday, July 07, 2010 QOTD

Dylan and Daphne have been really good sports about going to all of their big brother’s baseball games. Logan’s in the Little League Majors this year, and not only did his team win the league, they went on to the Tournament of Champions and now he’s on the All-Star team, which is in first place. That is A LOT OF GAMES.

Dylan is usually quiet, checking in with me occasionally by tapping my leg repeatedly. He asks if it’s annoying. When I say yes, he replies, “Then I’m doing my job.”

After a particularly spectacular hit, we watched the batter toss the bat end over end in graceful arcs as he pelted toward first. As we were cheering, he said:

I just feel sorry for the bats.
—Dylan

Thursday, June 24, 2010 QOTD

The kids and I were talking about exercise and how I need to make sure we all get out and burn off energy because they are driving me nuts at home they need to move their bodies.

Me: “I need to move mine too, if I want to wear a bikini this summer. I mean, I don’t really exercise. At all.”

Logan: “Sure you do!”

Daphne: “We’re your exercise!”

Dylan: “Yeah, remember? Kids are your workout!”

Daphne: “Be the pants!”

Dylan: “YEAH!”

Daphne: “FIND YOUR INNER PANTS!”

I must have three pair of Kids Are My Workout Yoga Style Pants from Planet Mom Tshirts. I love Eileen and Elise.

Tuesday, June 22, 2010 QOTD

Me: Bleh, I think I’m coming down with something.

Logan: Why can’t you ever come UP with something?

Friday, June 18, 2010 QOTD

So Mom, today I was playing with friends and pretending I was a machine. I was a chair with four modes: vibrate, massage, back-and-forth, and Flying Monkey.
—Daphne

Wednesday, May 26, 2010 QOTD

I hate blogs. Blogs are for angry people who are sitting at their computer with a glass of wine at midnight with nothing better to do. No companies use blogs anymore.
—Clients From Hell

Monday, May 10, 2010 Family, QOTD

Yesterday, my eldest was upset that he didn’t get me anything for Mother’s Day.

Without a second’s hesitation, his brother said, “You’re here, and that’s the best gift she could possibly have because it lasts a lifetime.”

Sunday, May 02, 2010 QOTD

Now, some of you might find it hard to believe, but I was never very good about accepting offers of help between paychecks.

Weeks ago, Guy offered to float me a few hundred and I was being all proud and saying no, and he, thinking it would soften the offer, said, “Of course I would expect you to pay it back.” That cemented my position—no way was I taking anything after that. He was being kind, but he was working and distracted and it came out much snottier than he intended. So of course I haven’t let him forget it.

Back to this morning. We’re paying bills and I’m firing off twelve thousand here, two thousand there, paying off every debt I have. I am done owing, people, and now that the proceeds from the house sale are in, I’m taking care of business.

So Guy is sitting next to me doing math in his head after paying an ungodly amount of alimony and wondering if he can still pay the bill on his storage unit.

Let’s pause for a minute here. Is that not just the saddest thing?

I said, “How much do you need? I’m writing checks.”

“No, no, I’m okay.”

I said—wait for it—“Well, of course I would expect you to pay it back.”

I fucking haaate you.
—Guy

I nearly fell on the floor, laughing and making victory arms.

Thursday, April 29, 2010 Family, QOTD

I just had a bad fifteen minutes when I couldn’t remember where I’d put my meds during the move. And the thing is, you can’t panic in front of the kids, but I was frantically IMing with Guy:

Me: I literally cannot find any of my meds.
Him: That is not good.
Me: I cannot believe I can’t remember where they are. Why didn’t I just leave them in the flipping desk??
Him: Yeah, you need to find them. What are you and my mom doing tomorrow? She loves you. She will keep you even if you dump me. You are in.
Me: No idea, can’t even think past getting the kids in bed and finding meds.
Him: Ok, call after that but find meds…you know what I did? I offered kids 5 dollars to first one that found my mom’s ipod. They went nuts.
Me: FOUND THEM.
Him: That was scary. You without meds this weekend…it scared me.
Me: Daphne just now as I’m sorting them: “Those really keep you like, going, right? I mean your back must be really messed up after all that moving. I mean… well, I feel kinda bad. Most of the time I was on a pogo stick. But I did beat dad’s record. Seven hops.”
Him: She is adorable.
Me: Now she’s telling me about a conversation with a friend today about the move:

“I didn’t know this but I have a saw.”
“How do you know what a saw looks like?”
“I don’t.”
“Then how do you know?”
“Because I’m a super cool super super! By the way, (finger guns) you’re thinking about tacos.” And then she walked away.
Her friend caught up and said, “That’s weird, I really WAS thinking about tacos. Now I’m thinking of my favorite ice cream, what is it?”
Daphne said, “You’re thinking about ice cream. OHHHH!” (hands held out all gansta)

Him: I am happy I will get to be part of raising a girl.
Me: (To myself) Hold that thought for about ten years.

Friday, April 16, 2010 Family, QOTD, ModernMom.com

“Okay, I’ll share upstairs with my brother if we can have a TV.”

“Seriously? You will sleep on a double futon with him in a loft. I thought you didn’t want to be in the same room.”

“Of course, if we can have a TV.”

“And what? You will peacefully negotiate Wii time?”

“Well, most of my TV viewing will occur after he’s asleep.”

“And that, my dear, is why you will never have a TV in your room.”

Honestly. We go to look at a place to rent and they have staked out territory in the first thirty seconds. “Mom, we’ll take this half of the place and you can share with Daphne.” Oh, goody. A permanent bed-mate, an eight year old girl. How bad could it be?

In the meantime, I’ve just started writing for ModernMom.com with Brooke Burke of Dancing with the Stars. They asked if I might have anything to say about singlemomhood or dating or similar, and I was all, “Really? Really? Brace yourself, I got a truckload.”

Here’s my first piece on how single parents go on a date.

Saturday, April 10, 2010 QOTD

Me: I had to say no to the local firefighters when they called today.

Him: They don’t know what they are missing.

Wednesday, March 31, 2010 QOTD

“Dad, there’s an appropriate and an inappropriate way to do everything.”

“So there’s an appropriate way to do drugs?”

“Yes. you can do them if they were prescribed.”
—Logan

Wednesday, March 31, 2010 QOTD

“Mom, gay and weird just don’t go together anymore.”
—Logan

Tuesday, March 30, 2010 Family, QOTD, Travel

We’re halfway home now, updating from Denver airport. Mah dogs are barking. Three days of walking ten hours a day will do that to you. Here’s hoping it balances out all the crap we ate. Yeah, I doubt it, too.

Going home with lots of goodies: stuffed (toy) gator from Gatorland, tons of pics from Hollywood Studios, Gatorland, Sea World, Universal Studios Orlando, and The Blue Man Group. Also? A gift for the lovely flight attendant who mailed my wallet to me after I left it to continue on to Detroit on our way to Florida.

Have to board now, so here are the highlights!

Pouring again today. Kinda pees all over the riding the rides at Universal Studios plan.
6:24 AM Mar 29th

At the breakfast buffet. Daphne took too much food the last two mornings, so today she is enjoying an $11 donut.
6:29 AM Mar 29th

Went to bus. ctr to see if my wallet arrived &  and they said check back after ten. We get on the bus at ten.
6:45 AM Mar 29th

Hilarious text from Guy: “Goubg bacjk to sleep. Havinh dream I texting uj” Go back to sleep, mama has your credit card. (I thought he was being funny until he complained later that I’d broadcast that to the world. So, I’m broadcasting it again.)
6:51 AM Mar 29th

My daughter is on her sixth straight meal of chicken fingers. The great equalizer.
10:09 AM Mar 29th

We’re at Krusty Land. Still not jealous, boys? (When we called home to see how the guys were, the boys were saying, “It’s great! No Daphne! And, let’s see, no Daphne!” In the background: “Don’t forget: no Daphne!”)
12:48 PM Mar 29th

QOTD: “You know you’re doing that in public.” friend to Daphne, who is dancing to Stayin’ Alive.
1:28 PM Mar 29th

Just groped Shrek at dinner; Daphne posed with Princess Fiona.
3:33 PM Mar 29th

At Blue Man Group. SO excited, esp because we are three rows behind the poncho section. Little tired of ponchos.
5:00 PM Mar 29th

Just met one of the Blue Men and a couple of the musicians! Bruce is having a little girl in 2 months. Congrats!
about 24 hours ago

@badassdadblog @JeffHarbert @JustHeather my phone is lame—no email, camera is lame—USB port broken, I’m lame—no card reader here! (In response to suggestions to buy a memory card, email from phone, or transfer pics to computer when phone was full)
about 13 hours ago

(After crack about eating chicken nuggets six meals in a row) Her dad is upset with me. Him: “Can’t you make her eat something else?” Me: “When you get her to eat a Cobb salad, let me know.”
about 13 hours ago

On board. Just gave myself a papercut way under my pinky nail with my boarding pass. #yeeouch
about 5 hours ago