TheMommyBlog

Make your own! (Via Le belle Helene)

Really. Fresh out of posts. Mind’s a blank.

I’ve just decided to stop work early tonight (almost eleven p.m.) because I did a few calculations and determined I’d have to work only between ten and fifteen hours this weekend. Pfft. I can spilt that up over Saturday and Sunday, easy. And I’m tired. So tired.

Lili Von Shtupp: [singing] Here I stand, the goddess of desire / Set men on fire / I have this power. / Morning, noon, and night, it’s dwink and dancing / Some quick womancing / And then a shower. / Stage door Johnnies constantly suwwound me / They always hound me, with one wequest. / Who can satisfy their lustful habits? / I’m not a wabbit. / I need some west.

So, instead, I’m following My Dog Harriet (Meghan, not my dog; I don’t have a dog, or I did once, or something), and started an interactive Johari Window. I mean, why not? What the hey.

The Johari Window was invented by Joseph Luft and Harrington Ingham in the 1950s as a model for mapping personality awareness. By describing yourself from a fixed list of adjectives, then asking your friends and colleagues to describe you from the same list, a grid of overlap and difference can be built up.

Go on over. See how it shakes out.

I’m going to bed. G’night!

Remember that line from Hostel? “Be careful… you could spend all your money in there!” (No? You prefer movies with redeeming social value? *shrug*) Well, you could spend all your time (which equals money) in here.

Via la Bamberboo.

Don’t shop for groceries hungry. Don’t drink and dial. Don’t give your number to the first guy who asks if you’re too young to be in a bar. These are basic rules. Here’s another: Don’t IM past midnight.

Him: You still up, baby?
Me: Barely. Just shutting down.
Him: Me too.
Me: Btw, I love your cologne. You left it here.
Him: That’s NOT MY COLOGNE!
Me: What?
Me: Well then how did it get there?
Him: Were you serious about liking it?
Me: Um, whatever you had on the other night was nice.
Him: I was wearing Clinique.
Me: Did one of the kids take it out of the cupboard?
Him: I put it there.
Me: What’s up with that? I don’t rememer my ex ever wearing that.
Him: Well, it had better BE your ex’s, that’s all I have to say.
Me: But why did you leave it on the counter?
Him: I thought it was time to start moving his shit out.
Me: No kidding. There’s all sorts of stuff in there that hasn’t been touched in years.
Him: I saw.
Me: Well, if he can turn off my gas and electric, I guess I can chuck his cologne.
Him: He shut off your gas and electric?
Me: Yep. It was in his name, so he turned it off and sent an email telling me I should turn it back on in my name.
Him: *pointed silence*
Me: Okay, I’m beat.. I’m going to hit the sack.

*runs and hides in embarrassment*

A fellow school mom overheard me asking Daphne if Dad ever came to class with the shoes he promised, and said, “You just had to have him, didn’t you?” We nearly fell over laughing.

I’m sooo tired I’m pasting my emails to other people into my blog and calling it a post.

I have all the children at home now and am breaking a sweat already!! I think those last few sleepless days kicked my ass. I feel like I’m getting sick, my muscles ache, and it was exhausting fetching the kids and making a big shop and unloading the groceries out of that stupid trunk. I pulled something in my back!

(The hydraulic thingy went out a few months ago and if you don’t hold it up while you’re rummaging or get out of the way quick, you can lose an arm. Or a head.)

I have also confirmed my hypothesis that one child is angelic, two are high-maintenance, and three drive you to drink. I asked Logan what he wanted for dinner and he said CRAB! How did he remember that we made that for Daphne while he was snowboarding in CO? And how is that an unfair tradeoff? Three crab legs for a week in Colorado missing school AND being spoiled rotten?

In other news, a new reader has introduced me to a great comic written by a friend—I could have used it last week after Daphne’s birthday party!

Kim & Jason by Jason Kotecki

[Scene: conference call. Noon, local time. Me at my desk in CA. Everyone else on the East Coast.]

“How are you doing out there, Mindy? Getting any sleep?”

“Well, I did sleep from four to six this morning, and then Daphne opened all the blinds and shouted, ‘IT’S MORNING, MAMA!’”

“That’s not sleep, that’s a nap.”

*yawn*

“Okay, we’re going to chunk this project up and help out. Send us what you have and we’ll look at it and get back to you tomorrow. Anything you want to tell the group about it so far?”

“Ahahahahahahahahahahaha!”

*awkward silence*

“No, really it’s going fine; it’s just a lot of material. You’ll see when it gets there. I’ll wrap it up and send it right now, and then I’m going to try to sleep for an hour. If you need anything else, please use the phone!”

~ four hours later ~

*drool* Huh? What time is it? And what was up with that dream? I feel like I’ve been asleep a year.

*pads out to office*

Four-thirty? Aaaack! *jump in shower, pin up hair, dash to pick daughter up*

And then we went to Sharper Image to pick up an elliptical for me (too much time sitting on my ass at the computer) and butterfly sunglasses for her (because we could), stopping for a burrito at Andale’s before going to see the tree at Mom’s.

What’s with the tree at Mom’s? Oh, it’s only lifting up the house with its massive root system. You could set an egg down at the front door and it would gather enough momentum to roll all the way across the dining room before it had a chance to veer off off course. If the kids drop a ball, they don’t bend down to get it, they run south.

This beautiful redwood tree has got to be at least a hundred years old, and it is easily the tallest tree in the neighborhood. It’s how we gave people directions: “Go down this street and that street, it’s the house with the massive redwood out front. Can’t miss it.”

My folks held a celebratory wake for it last night, sending flyers around the neighborhood to let neighbors know and have a chance to come for a drink and say goodbye. One neighbor who couldn’t make it wrote a beautiful letter in which she described how her parents used to rent a house up the street for the summer and she and her brothers would play under that tree seventy years ago. Most of the other trees were small at that time, and it was the only one that offered much shade. It’s like losing a member of the neighborhood family.

The tree service stripped the branches and took off the top third today. It looked so barren. Just like the Giving Tree.

I can’t imagine when I’ll be able to serve up something original until after my project’s delivered, but I have a special treat in the meantime: An excerpt from the prologue of my book, Mommy Confidential: Adventures from the Wonder-Belly of Motherhood. It’s just a bit, more to follow if this blog doesn’t resume its regular broadcasting soon!

*blows cobwebs off microphone* This thing still worK?

Lordy, but I’ve been busy. Head down, typing away, formatting, writing, and not on my book, either. I forgot where I even left that thing! No, work is intense, and I have no time at all for anything other than that and family, at least until the next deadline passed, on the seventeenth. St. Paddy’s Day, when the Chicago River turns green and people drink green beer and wake up hung over with green mustaches. Man, I miss living there sometimes.

Have to get back to work but wanted to apologize for all the dry toast. Y’all keep coming back to check but I am just not serving it up this week!

However, I do want to wish my sweetie a happy anniversary. One year ago today we were introduced on eHarmony.com and took a chance. I know why I took the leap, but still don’t know why Phil did; I mean honestly, I was holding children and wearing a big ole wedding ring in my photo. How many guys would still try to get to know me after that and after listening to my laugh? For Pete’s sake. Also? It turned out that we worked in the same town, had lunch at the same places, and lived only ten miles apart. And we still needed help finding each other! *bumps into wall*

Thank you, baby, for being here and for still making me dinner laugh so hard. It’s been so much fun. And just last night? Daphne was tasting the soup I made in an effort to reproduce the soup Phil made for us last week.

“I like it, Mama.”

“I do , too. Phil made it for me last week.”

“Aww.”

“Yes, he loves me.”

“And he loves us, too.”

“He sure does.”

“And we love him.”

“I know you do.”

“Except when he gets mad.”

“Well, honey, you were slamming your brother’s head on the wall.”

Someone sent me the link to Editorium this morning. I needed this tool so much this month (well, last month—welcome to March, everyone) that I nearly cried when I saw it. Really. Tears, people.

If you’re writing a book, or trying to line up formatting in separate documents, check out their Author tools and Advanced Find and Replace for Word. One is free and the other is cheap, cheap, cheap. I would have handed over fistfuls of cash for this kind of functionality while I was editing eight huge documents with five other people last month.

Thank you. This has been a Public Service Announcement.

My galfriend Jeanne at DesignHer Gals reminded me this morning that there is a great deal on Gals—and today is the last day!

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I’m getting some too. Cards. I’m getting some cards.

I am tired babies! Had a wonderful, hilarious, relaxing overnight in Calistoga: ate yummy meals, had mud baths and massages, and drove home in the driving rain.

And now? I don’t want to say it’s storming, but I keep wondering how Auntie Em is these days.

My babies are in bed sleeping. The boys are leaving in the morning to go to Colorado with Dad to see family and ski. Daphne and I will have a girls’ week. That’s what I keep telling myself so I won’t think of it as the first-week-back-from-winter-break-and-the-boys-are-missing-six-days-of-school. Really.  It’s a shame Dad’s vacation plans couldn’t coincide with the school break. Dylan will have a bear of a time on re-entry. I pity the fool.

I’ll miss them sooooo much, and I know Daphne will feel lonely. We’ll have to think of lots of fun things to do that we wouldn’t do with the full contingent, provided I can still work my head off for the next ten days. I started at six this morning and just sent the last email off at midnight. I stopped for dinner! What do you take me for? Sheesh.

Anyway. Photos. 

We’re off to Calistoga, baby, so you won’t hear from me this weekend! All I know is that by Sunday I will have washed mud out of every crevice and massage oil out of my hair. And paid a bundle for the privilege.

And—lest I leave you all with stars in your eyes and birds twittering round and visions of Phil on a white horse—I give you two quotes from the last thirty-six hours that had us falling off our chairs at dinner last night.

As Phil was leaving the other night, I thanked him for taking care of the kids. “You know, you only fell down in one area: you didn’t bring me a glass of wine at my desk.”

He looked at me at said, “Well, that’s just too fucking damn bad. I didn’t know how much I was going to need. I brought you the fucking damn popcorn.”

And then while we were waiting for dinner at the bar last night, we chatted and listened to the tiny baby crying behind us. I was trying to decide if he was tired or hungry, and had finally decided that he was tired because he wasn’t making that rapid wah-wah-wah hunger cry. Phil muttered, “I don’t even know where the baby is.”

“Oh, I know exactly where that baby is,” I replied, “I have Mommy Ears.”

“I didn’t say I couldn’t pull out a gun and shoot the baby, I said I didn’t know where he was.”

Doesn’t that have a nice little ring to it? *sigh* Safety net. What a concept.

It’s not one I’ve allowed myself to entertain much as a grownup. I’m just jaded enough to know that there is only one place to go for safety, and that is still my mom. *waves* She has never let me fall if she could help it. Sure, she dishes out instant therapy right across the chin, so you have to work for it. But when it comes to that moment of teeter, she’s there with whatever you need plus a few things you never thought about.

Unfortunately, my mom who lives three miles away works two thousand miles away. It’s a long and complicated story, but let’s just agree for now that she and my step dad have never felt the need for simplicity in their lives. They are extremely competent people who work where they are needed. Plus I think they do it just to irritate me. Either way, we see each other too infrequently and have to support one another over the phone or through comments on this blog. Think I’m kidding? Ha!

Last night was crazed. I was working on an urgent project with half a dozen others three thousand miles away and it wasn’t going at the crisp pace we’d hoped for. Everything is fine; don’t get me wrong, but there were a few sphincter-tightening moments alternating with sudden urges to hurl porcelain. I knew I was in for a long night.

And I ended up going to pick Logan up from that birthday party. Let me be clear: I was packing a four and a five year old into a car at six p.m. to go to an indoor play place where there was a birthday party in progress, where they had to get wristbands just to walk with me to get Logan, and we weren’t going to stay, we weren’t going to play, and we weren’t going to have cake and pizza. Yeah, that was fun.

After enduring fifteen minutes of wheedling and begging to be left a while longer and picked up “later” after he’s done playing, I packed them all into the car and tried to think of how to get through the next couple of hours so I could get back to work once they were in bed. And then Logan cried, “I FORGOT MY HAT!” Going back for it helped kill another twenty-five minutes, so I had that going for me.

While in the car, Phil called to see how things were going and I gave him the rundown. “Is there anything I can do to help?” he asked.

I laughed. “Sure, if you want to come feed my kids, keep them quiet and put them to bed. That’s the only thing that would help, but there’s no way I’d ask.”

“What, I can’t make dinner for three kids?” asked the former private chef who used to have to drop everything and serve up a banquet for employers who decided not to eat out after all and were coming home with twelve guests. “I’ll leave now, and I will see you when you get there.”

“Oh, thank you, thank you!”

Sure enough, there were three plates lined up with condiments, chicken in the oven, glasses ready for juice, and napkins and silverware on the table when we walked in. I nearly cried.

“Hi everyone! Okay, first thing: we need to have a meeting. So I need Logan, and Dylan, and… where’s Daphne? Can’t start the meeting without Daphne!” They all gathered around while he hunched down on their level. “You mother needs to work and we need to make it easy for her. So we’re going to eat dinner, skip baths—you had baths last night, right?—make popcorn, and watch a movie in your mother’s room. Do we have a deal?” Heads nodded. “But all of that is only if you are quiet and let your mother work. Otherwise, what happens?”

Daphne knew. “We won’t get any dessert.”

“And?”

Dylan next. “No movie and no popcorn.”

“Right! So, do we have a deal?”

“Yes!”

I grinned from the other room. He did great. They all said grace, and before they took one bite, they each talked about one good thing that happened that day. Next time, he’s going to have a timer handy so Logan keeps his turn to a reasonable length of time. He got them all the way to pj’s and popcorn and then I stepped in for bed enforcement after Daphne started kicking him in the shins.

Once they had stories and were falling asleep, I walked out to the kitchen where Phil was picking up his briefcase. “I have a test to write tonight.”

“And you still came here? Thank you so much. I would have been a wreck. I don’t know what I’d have done. You were a champ.”

He went home, and I went back to work until almost two a.m. And now? My new Aeron chair just arrived! And I am off for the weekend! And we’re going for mud baths in Calistoga! I hope! Who cares? I won’t be at my desk!

And I have a wonderful new safety net.

And what a hoot they are.

My inbox has been a constant source of amusement all day. First, someone tried to recruit me for my old job. Said I might be a “good fit.”

Hi,

What’s hilarious about this job opportunity is that not only is it the job I held for eleven years and vacated last May, but it has more responsibility and half the pay! So, one could say that I am THE fit for the job, but you could never convince me to take it, certainly not at half the price, minus my staff, plus a new boss.

I wish you luck in finding someone.

Mindy

And then? THEN? Emails from my ex saying that one of the children had a birthday party to go to so he kept them all home, and did I “want Daphne”? Um, no. We delivered one half of a major project in the middle of the night and the second half is due tomorrow. I’m crazed. Later, he asked if I could run out and buy a gift and I said no. Then he asked if I could take him to the party and I said no. Then it was, could I pick him up, and I was all when did I hear about this? Today? NO.

Heh. One of my coworkers suggested I send the birthday boy one of my pretty diagrams for a present. I’ve got plenty. I could even email it.

I had early meetings this morning so the kids lucked into three hours of cartoons while I hunched over the computer and tried to listen to a roomful of coworkers hammering out a deliverable for tonight. I’m like Quickdraw on that mute button, I’ll tell you that.

Anyway, they must have thought I would forget their promise to cooperate and be ready to go to preschool and daycare before lunchtime because they bucked and wrestled and protested like crazy to keep it from happening. Long story short: I won and got them all dressed, packed, and buckled into their seats. As we pulled out of the driveway, Daphne declared, “You’re the meanest mommy in the whole white world.”

Logan looked up. “Is it white?? I thought it was mostly green, blue, and brown.”

“Honey, the expression is ‘wide world’.”

“I thought so, because the only places that are white are the places where it’s snowy, like Antarctica, the North Pole, the high mountains of Colorado, Tahoe, and, um, the Tundra, Siberia, places like that. Maybe the Taiga.”

I just drove.