TheMommyBlog

me: am hunched over the laptop in bed with daph next to me
me: can’t see for shit
amber: hehe
me: hence the typing
amber: I just crawled out of bed
amber: stayed up waaaaay too late
me: good for you sleeping in
amber: 4am
me: I saw!!!
amber: not so good
me: Len too
amber: yeah
amber: just talking and having a laugh
me: you are not going to like this but the rats in the attic are having a barn dance or something
me: good for you
amber: there was a little vodka involved too
me: heeeee
me: good
amber: aaaaaaaaaaarghh!
amber: rats!
amber: you really have rats?
me: I have no idea what they are doing but is sounds like construction is involved
amber: my mom had them in her attic once
me: when it rains, sometimes they find a way in
amber: scared the shit out of me
me: we blocked everything a few years ago but they must have found a new entrance
amber: I was about 18 at the time
amber: and it’s not scurrying they do
me: yes, they move around at night and I can hear them skittering along the beams
amber: it’s like thumping
me: YES
me: do si do
amber: like they are murdering a human or something
me: haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
amber: or eating one alive!!!
me: *wonders if the children are all in bed
amber: OMG my hands are sweating
amber: really!
me: Philip will love this
me: have to post it in keeping with my banal promise
amber: I think he thinks I’m kidding
me: you are NOT
amber: he loves to just mention it
me: yes, virtual head noogies
amber: like under the house
amber: hehe
me: my friend in Spain does that
me: I once saw a mouse stuck to that fly paper stuff and it reallllly bothered me
amber: Maybe he needs a virtual snuggy
me: and this was in 1985
amber: hehe
me: and for YEARS he sent me rat-related presents
me: once it was a six-inch gummy rat
amber: now my pits are sweating!!
me: haaaaaaaaa
amber: *snort*
me: *trying not to wake the baby
amber: oh and the underwear thing
me: *or listen to the fiddles upstairs
amber: ew
me: ha
amber: hair dryer!
amber: ew!!!!!!!
me: yes she needs to do laundry more often
me: I was kidding
me: I’ve never done that
amber: wouldn’t that cause the room to smell!
amber: heh
me: without WASHING them first!!!!
amber: I have taken a pair of baby socks out to the dryer
amber: no washer
me: good lord woman what do you take me for?
me: (did that come out Scottish?)
amber: and tried to dry them with the drier
amber: hehe
amber: was it in your head?
me: a little
amber: hehe
me: amazing how you have rubbed off
amber: anyway, I caught the socks on fire
me: and it’s only when I shout
me: *ponders
me: no!
amber: heh
amber: yip!
me: niiiice
me: a fit mother
amber: oh yes!
me: “Here, wrap the blanket round her toes no one will notice”
me: “Is something burning?”
me: “no just a bit of gas”
amber: heh
me: “you really should stop smoking”
amber: I shouldn’t have attached them to the nozzle of the dryer
me: “It’s not good for the baby”
me: haaaaaaaaaaaaa
amber: they puffed up with air!
amber: then poof!
me: did you duct tape them there??
amber: heeeeeeeee
amber: no!
amber: my hands were on them
me: I’m picturing flames shooting out the little pink toe seams
amber: *panic*
amber: they were red!
me: even better
me: (to begin with?)
amber: you know the portrait of H * H?
me: oh no
amber: they matched those outfits
me: “matched”
amber: hence the bare feet in the photograph
amber: yes
me: did you have to scorch the pants to make it all blend?
amber: hehe
amber: just got it!
amber: no, but if I knew you did that
me: I always do bare feet in portraits
amber: I would have too!
amber: oh, you mean pants
amber: not undies ?
me: people think it’s cute but it’s really because I can’t be bothered buying nice shoes that match
me: sorry
amber: cheapskate!
me: that came out in American English
me: I wasn’t shouting
amber: where is your Scottish woman
amber: !!
me: heeeeeee
amber: no
me: buried under two generations
amber: that would be… Where is your Scottish… Woman!!
amber: not your Scottish woman
me: Head! Pants! Now!
amber: hee
amber: as in Heeed!
amber: Oi Heeeeed!
me: yes wasn’t sure how to spell it
me: the “now” would be really hard to spell phonetically
amber: I am still sweating with the rat thing
amber: noo
amber: Noo
me: glad I could be of assistance
amber: or New
me: woke up at one just to brighten your day
me: catch you at the beginning
amber: heh
amber: I wasn’t going to bathe today
amber: but I have to now
me: plus I needed more IM drivel to post
amber: thanks!
me: I read that as I have to GO
amber: hehe
me: duh
me: remember I am in a dark red room
amber: so you didn’t like the mirror answer?
me: omg I laughed so hard
amber: I thought it was sooooooooooooo funny
me: I don’t know why he thought I didn’t like it
me: he kept offering to take it down
amber: did you ever comment on it?
amber: ???
me: and I was like nooo you have to keep it there if only to go with your comment!
me: um, no
amber: he was worried about upsetting you
me: I know
me: that may have been why I was shouting at him
me: *whistles
amber: heh
amber: he is ‘seriously’ funny
me: yes
me: I could just see his face as he was writing it
me: all pleased with himself
me: on a tear
me: just like you with your blessing post
me: I DIED
amber: I think he should do a weekly side column
me: yes
amber: king of double entendre
me: Emperor
amber: GOD
me: for Life
amber: for infinity
me: yeah well we put him up there we can take him back down
me: little peacock
amber: not so sure…
amber: he was *that* funny when I met him!
me: that was single entendre
me: I know
me: he kills me
me: the only other guy who gets me giggling like that is my dad, and HIS dad was from Glasgow
me: is he all hung over>
amber: still sleeping
me: Scots
me: go turn him out of bed
amber: he would not be pleased
me: I would just responded to everything with “And have you got a contract yet sweetie?”
me: tiy should do it
amber: who’s Tiy?
amber: *cackle*
me: you
amber: heeeeee
me: I CAN’T SEE THE KEYBOARD
amber: I can’t even type when I CAN see it
me: WOMAN
amber: Gonnae no dea that!
me: I CAN"T SEE THE FECKIN THING
me: SO OFF WITH YE
amber: na, that would just be PISS OFF
me: PISS OFF THE LOT OF YE
amber: or GONNAE PISS OFF
amber: hehe
me: love it
amber: that would be FUCK THE LOT OF YE
me: yes
me: AND YER BRUDDERS
me: ok I have to edit this before it gets out of control and get some sleep
me: aaaaaaggghhh daph woke up
me: GONNAE NO DEA THAT
me: ok sweets, give him a kick from me when he wakes up
amber: k
me: and tell him we made fun of his accent
amber: bye
me: bye

him: On a break. What’s up which’ you?
him: Me: not good at Ebonics…
me: ha
me: I have to go talk about an integrated budget bodule for our system
him: What is a bodule?
me: module
me: geek
him: Sorry, I really thought it was a term I didn’t know. Damn, I thought I would learn something today…
me: not from me
me: I don’t know that there is much I can teach you in general
him: I learn from everyone…
him: So, talk to me about the personal front. You’ve been distant.
me: oh no
me: I just had a talk with a friend about how I haven’t been distant, just completely overwhelmed and stressed out and unable to cope with the stuff I HAVE to do, let alone the stuff I WANT to do
me: all my friends think I am ditching them
him: Understood.
me: when in fact I am just trying to talk myself into facing each day
him: I’m a guy. I thought you were retreating to “the cave”.
me: I am
me: that doesn’t mean I am distancing myself
me: I am just paralyzed
him: It’s not a bad place: damp, dreary, the music is good…
me: I ended up yelling toward the end of that last conversation
me: and there was a pause
me: and I asked, “Did I just shout at you in a Scottish accent?”
me: and we both broke up
me: I totally did
him: Release is good.
him: Well, I’m willing (and able?) to shoot the bull if you feel like it.
him: Remember, it took me 2.5 years to get to a feeling of stability.
me: I would love to… after my meeting under the klieg lights
him: What are Klieg lights?
me: the lights that go on during a German jail break
me: they are very bright and scary
him: See? I did learn something…
me: haaaaaaaaaa
me: so it has all been worth it
me: getting to know this basket case
him: Everything is worth it… eventually.
me: ouch
him: My therapist commented today that some day I’ll turn the corner and bump into some attractive person that is perfect for me. Before she could finish the sentence, I said “and she’ll kick me in the ‘nads and run away screaming”.
him: And no, I wasn’t talking about you re: eventually.
him: It was more of re: life.
me: whew
me: felt kicked in the ‘nads
him: Not to worry. I have no expectation that getting know your basket case will ever be worth it…
him: (How are the ‘nads now?)
me: *crumpled in heap on the floor
me: you are total dogshit, you know that?
him: me: terrible sense of timing and humor - especially when talking to dogshit…
me: and I will blog this somehow, you jerk
him: me: loud, loud chuckling…
me: ass
me: and when and if you ever get your blog up, it’s gonna be linked
him: Deservedly so… when and if…
me: awwww you know you get SOMETHING out of this stupid correspondence
him: Of course. Admitting it is the problem.
me: men
him: Mantra: I don’t need anyone or anything from anyone - I am man: hear me oink and grunt in the trees.
me: yes, did I ever tell you my “damaged” mantra?
me: it’s more of a warning
him: Nope.
me: did you read the book or see the movie “Damage”
him: Nope.
me: the deal was that damaged people are dangerous. They know they can survive everything.
me: and I know I am damaged
him: We can…
me: and I worry about what that might to do people around me
him: Then comes the time when you no longer care. I call that nirvana.
me: heee
me: brethren
me: we should go out drinking
me: found it on http://www.imdb.com
me: Memorable Quotes from Damage (1992): Damaged people are dangerous. They know they can survive.
him: Yeah, but I have to drive home. Last time I did that I was upside down in my truck staring at a redwood tree.
me: how is THAT? I read it ten years ago and remembered it almost verbatim
him: Gifts of the insane.
me: still waiting for a good post cutoff. It hasn’t come yet
him: The beauty of life is that is just flows. If you look through the lens too much, you miss it.
me: ok, then one weekend when neither of us has the kids, we’ll get schnockered at your place and I will sleep on the couch
me: (that may be the post cut off)
him: You’re on.
me: good
him: Don’t let me get drunk and make a pass at you, though.
me: you wouldn’t--we’re strictly friends, and we’re NOT INTERESTED.
him: I’m a guy.
me: but if you like I will fend you off and keep your self-respect intact
him: Thank you.
me: GAH you’re supposed to say it WOULDN’T be an affront to your self-respect
me: auuuuggghhhhh
me: no way you’re getting anything now
him: Not to change the subject, but I want you to do something…
me: ok
him: Put a couple of egg cartons in your vehicle, and keep them in there. Tell me how many, and someday soon, I’m going to come see you to fill them up. I have eggs coming out my… er… butt?
me: I want the ones coming out of your chickens
me: the kids will get a kick out of that!
him: ... chickens’ butts…
me: somehow I will be able to eat those
him: Should I leave the feces on the shells?
me: but not anything you laid
me: oh man I forgot about that
him: Seriously, I have about 30 eggs in the refrigerator (no cartons left - people don’t return them), and it looks like I have at least another couple dozen in the coop.
me: ok, I would love them
me: do you have your daughter this weekend?
me: we could make it a field trip
him: Who’s we?
me: I promise not to bring the wild indians into the house
me: the kids and me
me: we could drive up the drive, collect the eggs and leave you in peace
him: Not at all, I’m just embarrassed by the house…
me: oh please
me: you should never be embarrassed with a mom of three
me: but we can save that for another time
me: how about never? Does never work for you?
him: Not at all. I’d love for y’all to come up to the mountains tomorrow…
him: or Monday.
me: have baseball tryouts in the morning
me: the rest of the three day weekend is wide open
him: then come on up and see my Hell!
me: excellent
me: we’ll play it by ear
him: Heck, I can put them to work! The coop needs to be cleaned!
me: they might love it!
him: Ok.
him: We’ll talk later…
me: k
me: take care
him: Ditto. Dog shit.
me: ass

east: sweetie?
east: you okay hon?
west: yeah just paying bills
east: yes, and getting drunk.
west: not so much
east: I just learned to read. it’s fascinating
west: apparently I need to learn to write
east: says who?
west: why did I want to track that asshole down
west: Confused lives in Michigan Heights
east: confused is a [redacted]
east: hmmmm
east: but it can’t be [so and so]
west: i wrote to her and said PLEASE say this isn’t you
east: no it can’t be
east: that is NOT her way
west: and she said no why would you think that
east: it’s just one of her local readers maybe
west: and I said i hoped not, but the person came through her stat report
west: which anyone can do apparently
west: ??
east: oh right the stat report
east: but it is weird for someone else to have access to her stat report
east: there was all the accusations that she sits around drunk all the time when she’s home with the kids
west: well I do that too
west: and it doesn’t hurt anyone
east: she knows how painful it is when someone is an asshole
west: have you seen my kids btw?
east: daphne came around a while ago but I put her right back on a plane
west: almost spit wine
west: don’t worry there’s more
east: after giving her some clean underwear
east: heeeee
west: haaaaaaa
west: her undies are a trip to the Vile Lands
east: y’know, jellybean has run out of clean underwear
east: and I have gone fishing through her hamper
west: rinse em & wring em
west: ewwww
west: with gloves I hope
east: not IN THE MORNING
east: AN HOUR BEFORE THE BUS COMES
west: use a hair dryer
west: I’ve done it
east: hahahha
east: I haven’t got that kind of time
west: or BUY MORE you cheap jewess
east: it’s HER crotch dirt--let her wear it
west: nice
east: I have plenty
east: I just don’t do laundry enough
west: she’ll be repeating that on a couch someday
east: heeee
east: I hope that’s the worst she’ll have to report
west: *whistles*
east: ‘and the other thing:
east: she didn’t teach me to wear underwear under my pajamas!!!’
east: ‘I was HUMILIATED at the slumber party’
west: no one taught me; it was a ladylike intuition that led me to it
west: yes, I hate to tell you that most people do
west: except Logan
west: and we won’t go there
east: where is your ladylike intuition all the rest of the time may I ask?
east: did you do a survey?
west: fuck if I know
east: ‘excuse me, Miss?’
west: yes, bed checks all down the block
east: I heard about you ...
west: wasn’t all that much fun really
west: lots of old neighbors
east: no, I didn’t see too many cute folks in your neighborhood
east: you guys are the cream of the crop
west: one guy barred the door
east: any .... mirrored ceilings in your neighborhood?
west: thank god I had my taser
east: chuh
west: i have like three IM convos I want to blog but that would only reinforce the illusion that I have NOTHING TO SAY
west: which I don’t, actually
east: you needn’t worry what other people think about your blog
west: nah
west: and anyone who thinks I take myself too seriously hasn’t been reading for more than three minutes
east: that was malicious, Mindy. I pity that person. but not from my heart.
east: and I hate it when someone disguises maliciousness as impartial feedback
west: yes
west: at least post an email address
west: I would have made it all private
east: yes, chickenshit
west: heeee
west: hang on plugged toilet
west: well my kids are running amok and I haven’t paid them a minute’s attention since they got home
west: I need to mother
east: okay sweetie
west: now that my wine is gone
west: love you dove you
west: i may blog some of this
east: I’m glad I found you for a few minutes
west: i am too
east: xoxoxox of course you may. Make me look good, will you?
west: always
west: give you big knockers and a pert behind
east: *checking
east: hey, thanks!
east: that was easy!
west: no prob
west: xxxx
east: smoochies
east: gnight

me: I feel wiped already and it’s only 10
me: *takes meds
him: well, just take stuff one thing at a time
him: and don’t stress about any of it
him: it’s the holiday season
me: irony: the anxiety meds are a BITCH to break in half. Very stressful
him: heeeee
him: buy a small mallet and keep it in your drawer
me: aaaarrrrggghhh I just pulverized one
him: then you can whack things
him: I KNOW
him: a punch bag
him: I find screaming and punching the bed is a great help
me: and threw part of it over my shoulder popping it into my mouth
him: so if you had a punch bag you would be sorted
him: heeeee
me: *crawls around on floor
me: like a coke addict vacuuming the carpet with her nose
him: HAHAHAHA

jill: hey! merry post-christmas baby
me: back atcha
jill: relieved it’s over?
me: woke up sick and am going right back to bed now that the kids are playing with their presents
me: ohhhh yes
jill: bah
me: it was too much
jill: what kinda sick?
me: Daph and I both hit the wall at 7
me: sore throat
jill: *bonk
jill: post nasal drip?
me: my kids have been hacking all over me for a week so no surprise
jill: they’re so generous with the microbes
jill: I’d suggest Zicam but I know you roll your eyes at all my suggested remedies
jill: see, that’s occupatio--I pretended *not* to recommend it
me: yes, Dylan was walking around the room during gift opening, offering chocolates from a box like a little butler (so proud and polite) but he was touching all of them
jill: rubbing his eyes with them no doubt
me: yes, coughing
me: and holding each one up
jill: wiping them with used kleenex
me: “mommy, what is this one?”
me: “It’s YOURS”
jill: he obviously needs a pen knife
jill: to perfect the chiseling-out-the-bottom technique
jill: *makes mental note for birthday gift
me: yes but you should have seen my SIL and nieces
me: ugh
jill: I would actually do that, wouldn’t I: give your child a knife for a gift
jill: what, ugh?
me: he was going to each saying, “*cough* would you like *cough* a piece of *cough* candy?”
jill: heee
me: and then holding each up for display
jill: you should have an antimicrobial hosedown area
me: “woudl you like this one? *cough* Or THIS one?”
jill: a walk-through shower mist
me: no kidding
jill: ‘clean room’
me: i’m amazed they didn’t throw us out
me: everyone, esp Gil, was blown away by the portraits
jill: awwww
me: really
jill: they were extremely cute
jill: your kids are so scary photogenic
jill: *ahem--motherwasamodel-ahem*
me: and I got a discount because the guy is nice, plus I had to wait three friggin hours over two days for them to show up
me: heeee
me: even Daphne in a moment of surprse served one up
jill: I know I’ll never forget it
me: he gave me the negatives
me: that alone is worth it
me: no one EVER hands over the negatives
jill: you owe me a wallet (or many-pixel .jpg) for sure!
me: anything you want sweetie
jill: true--now you have limitless supply
me: yes can reproduce with impunity
jill: I’ll take the .jpgs--easier for both of us
me: *erase erase erase*
jill: you know, I was going *nuts* there at the mall looking for something to wipe daphne’s face with
me: i know
me: i have become inured to it
jill: and then I just realized a few days ago that I had many of those flushable toilet wipes in my pocketbook at that time
jill: grrrrrr
me: I know to pick my battles
me: a kleenex would have sent her over the edge
jill: it was *schmutzig*!!
me: so don’t think I was unaware of it
jill: but it didn’t show up in the pictures
jill: the must have airbrushed her! heeee
jill: oh no it was before all that
jill: when you were dressing the boys
me: and I REALLY impressed Gil when I said that we had all just come from burgers and shakes at Johnny Rockets
jill: why?
me: they were so CLEAN
jill: heee
jill: two moms = a lot more control
me: and obedience, didja notice?
jill: it’s amazing they didn’t loathe me
jill: perhaps they did but they’re so well bred they hid it
me: au contraire
me: Daphne? Now talks to YOU when she walks around with her toy phone
jill: and you were very tolerant of me pulling rank with them
jill: yay!
jill: *weeps with joy*
me: you did great
jill: I WANT HER
jill: ship her to me for a while, would you?
me: if you had too divergent a style I would have balked
jill: oh god Jellybean would be so jealous
me: last night? You could have bid successfully
jill: I’m surprised at how *prim* I am with them
me: i am like that with other’s children
jill: was she pitching a fit at you?
me: you were rather prim
jill: what *is* that?
me: threw me off
jill: meanwhile I was cursing like a sailor with you
me: no I think that she was over tired
jill: poor lambie
me: and there was too much chocolate being circulated
me: and too many gifts
jill: and the younger they are, the more they get haywire from over-priming the pump
me: all she was doing was running back and forth between people who were shouting, “here’s another one for DAPHNE”
jill: oy
me: and whenever she had a break, it was to ask for more candy
jill: gah
me: yes
me: kids are upset with me
jill: okay babe
me: because I am “sick” but IMing
jill: go be en famille
jill: xoxoxoxox
me: kissies
me: oxoxoxox
jill: love you
me: love you too
me: pendeja

me: had dinner with my folks last night and my step dad was mightily impressed with your sister’s job
jill: ooohhh
me: and told him about the mystery spot and he is FIRED UP
jill: did you actually say ‘molecular neuropharmacologist’ to him?
me: said why aren’t there millions of pilgrims if it’s so authentic
jill: heeee
jill: there are other spots like it
jill: I was also surprised at the paucity of research
me: I said neurobiologist that studies transporters
me: did I fail?
jill: no, that’s quite accurate
me: yay
jill: you have an awesome memory
jill: Howie was most impressed with the 30 lb plumb weight
jill: that did it for him
me: no, I had an idea of what it actually was—just couldn’t remember the term
me: so it was a contextual thing
me: I have a lot of medical knowledge though
me: yes
jill: we were in a car, so you remembered ‘transporter’
jill: hee
me: no I actually know what transporters are!!
me: they fascinate me
jill: you are such a clever girl
me: it was the apple for me
jill: my magical (old) apple
me: ew
jill: it stayed in my purse for another 5 days after that
me: you didn’t eat it did you
jill: NO
me: are you leaning now?
me: oh good
jill: my liver is on the other side of my body!!
jill: gah!
me: hate to think of you as some sort of leaning/weight-challenged Persephone
jill: my heart is beating on the right!
me: and you pee up!
jill: that would be ... inconvenient
me: and messy
jill: trying to think of something dirty but failing
me: yes I wondered what orgasms would be like
me: painful?
jill: let me sneeze and find out
me: but think of head colds!!
me: and flesh wounds
jill: I think that was the first time you ever emailed me
me: you could go all Goth
jill: a ‘chooseday’ thing
me: yes
me: and I was either convinced you were a liar or incredibly envious
jill: I’m a liar, but I do love to sneeze
me: dibs on blogging this
jill: bitch
me: slut
me: hahahahhahahaha
jill: go ahead and blog it, butterfingers
me: that was simultaneous
me: I kow
jill: oohhhh simultaneous orgasm
jill: yes, kow. you all over.
me: heee
me: that’s enough young lady
jill: I wish
me: go bury that apple somewhere before it falls into the wrong hands
jill: *another dirty thought
me: *knew it
jill: bury, fnar
me: but where will it roll?
me: I know there’s lots of room and all…
jill: it always pops out at the most embarrassing moments
jill: like a big green benwa ball
me: haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
jill: *cough
me: “Is that yours?”
jill: Oh look! fertile mucus!
me: “No no no no no lemme get it. It’s tricky.”
jill: hahahhahaa
me: *fumbles
jill: “slippery when wet”
me: *pop*
jill: *sloop*
me: “all better”
jill: *crosses legs*
me: “Hey where are you going? We haven’t ordered lunch yet!”
jill: “I’m good, thanks”
me: hahahahhahah
jill: I love “I’m good”
me: “"I’m full.”
jill: it works on so many levels
me: yes
jill: ahhhh yes
jill: *facial muscles cramping*
me: omg my boss is going to hear me laughing
me: heeeeee
me: am sweating
me: thinking about that apple
jill: he could use a laugh but his face would probably break
me: why didn’t I wrest it from you??
jill: what goes down must come up
me: but with more force
jill: follow the bouncing apple
me: good thing it was *us* with the sippy cup
jill: did you look at the stuff on Google about other gravity hills?
me: no, send it
jill: will do
me: I want to forward to my step dad
me: will Google later
me: after I blog this
jill: well, but what they say is
jill: that they are just due to optical effects
me: too bad it will push the sunnyside and mistletoe posts down the page
me: must learn to pace myself
jill: inability to see horizon, confusing background
me: but what about how you feel?
jill: could fuck your inner ear to be in an environment that tells you something different from what your sense of balance tells you
me: and the leaning?
jill: like motion sickness in flight simulations
jill: were we all leaning in different directions?
me: honestly? I felt sick as we approached those planks
jill: I know there was some kind of force there
jill: yeah, me too
me: we were leaning in identical directions
me: know what else got me?
jill: it was too close to the outside to be an optical effect
jill: not right outside the cabin
me: the weight on the wrong part of your foot on a slope
jill: there, we were all leaning in all kinds of weird directions
jill: yeah, that’s fucked up
me: and the leaning off the table???
jill: it could be that we were closer to vertical than we thought
jill: due to the background confusion
me: possibly
me: but the leaning
me: was huge
jill: in fact we could have been hanging vertically at that doorway
me: we could have been and I was thinking about that
me: esp after seeing the plumb line
jill: definitely there is a force, but the only thing that demonstrated it very convincingly was the 30lb plumb weight
me: but the weight…
jill: yes
me: yes
me: jinx
jill: that’s what Howie said
jill: I described the weight and he said, Clearly, there’s only one explanation for that, and it’s a force exerted from the direction with resistance
me: YES
me: that is what I told my family
me: there is a force pushing away from the spot
me: that is why the leaning
jill: and he’s got a doctorate (wait for it ...) in SCIENCE!
me: and the doglegged daughter trunks
jill: yeah
me: and the branches on one side
jill: and the moss
me: yes
jill: and the l-shaped trees
me: that would be the dogleg
jill: getting nauseated thinking about it
jill: oh
me: at the same height, which makes me think
jill: I thought it was the split ones that were doglegged
me: brace yourself
jill: *bracing
me: there was an event at the time that those branches got to that height, and it lasted for as long as it took for the trunk to grow that far horizontally, and then they went up again
me: or they just had to get that far away to grow comfortably
me: they weren’t split--they were daughter trunks
me: much younger
me: so they grew later
me: the old ones were straight
me: but the daughter ones grew at about the same rate and then bent away
me: at the same time
me: same year, or whatever
jill: cool theory
jill: you make my brain hurt
jill: you know what Howie thinks?
me: it bothers me
jill: he thinks it’s a dump site
me: I think it has to be related to an event
me: trees grow at a predictable rate
me: and for them all to dogleg at the same height means they did it at the same time
me: it very well could be
me: I thought of that
jill: he said maybe someone dumped a vast number of electromagnets
me: but don’t you think someone’s already been there with a Geiger counter?
me: run what I just said by him and see what he thinks
jill: about the trees?
me: yes
me: that farmer sure wanted to be rid of it
jill: okay, but he’s an idiot about anything biological
me: ask your sis
jill: yeah, I’ll paste it to Haley
me: lock them in a room till they have an answer
me: I gotta scoot
jill: okay sweetie
jill: xoxoxoxoox
me: oxoxoxoxox

east: I’ve been tossing, believe me! <= I typed that and remembered the British meaning of 'tossing'
east: hahahhahahahahhaahahaha
west: heee
east: in fact I’m not tossing
west: not at the moment anyway
east: *removes hand from pants
east: hahahahhaahhahahhha
west: *wipes keyboard
east: *winces
west: *pours coke on it
east: *puts entire study in autoclave
west: if it’s good for car batteries, it’s good for this
west: haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
west: *sweeps up cinders from flamethrower assault
east: hahahhaha
west: i could live without mr winkie if I had to
east: hahahahhaha
east: okay okay shut the fuck up
east: please
west: it just gets a bit lonely
west: yep
east: yes, and your needs do matter
west: yes
west: and IM is soooo fulfilling
east: well, but we don’t cyber do we?
west: no
east: yet
west: never have the privacy
west: kids are always around
east: well that’s horrible
west: i would have to make up an errand and park in my car
east: oh that sounds so appealing
west: and at that point I’d be like, I can wait
east: make you feel like a real perv
west: yes
west: “excuse me, can you tell me where… good lord!”
east: hahahhahahahahahahhahahahhahaha
east: oh please
west: just what I need
east: mercy
west: “aren’t you Logan’s mommy?”
east: hahahhahahahahahahahhahahahaaaaaaaaaa
west: “Um, here’s your casserole dish”
east: heeee
west: “I’ll just put it down here. Your hands are full”
east: hhhhhhhaaaaaaaaaaaa
east: crying
west: heee
west: giggling
west: picturing Jandy from down the street
west: she asked me if I would put a Prop 34 sign on my lawn
west: “Here’s your… oh.”
east: what’s 34?
west: a local measure to keep HS periods from being cut
west: i wish I could clean that up enough to blog it
east: oh that’d be tough--I’d like to see if you could manage it!
west: doubt I could
west: but will be fun to try
east: no context
west: none
west: but it’s funny
east: I double-dog dare you to try
west: ok
west: yer on
east: ha! will bring you Lindt chocolates as a prize if you manage
west: excellent
west: xxxxx
east: xoxoxoxo I love you dear!
west: love love love

me: have a little b-day do to go to at 2:30 and a little more spreadsheet work to do after that
him: ok
him: b-day? drinks?
me: no
me: just cake for boss’s asst
me: turned 30 today
him: nice
him: we do wine
me: this morning, he stood there with the two of us, and asked me, “Remember 30?”
him: heeeeee
me: ass
him: how old is he
me: 62
him: I’ll kick his ass when I am a director
me: good
me: just make it really hard for him to understand what you’re saying
me: thicken your accent
him: they haven’t replied yet
him: assholes
me: yeah well
him: yeah well what
him: I am fucking good
him: and deserve a reply
me: you will get one
me: “NO”
him: you watch
me: I can’t live that long
him: you will laugh on the other side of your face my girl
me: that is all that will be left after my poor aged body decomposes
me: and all you will have left to apologize to will be my stinking hide
me: or maybe just bones
me: rattle rattle rattle
him: hehehe you said “bones”

Heee! Follow-up email(s):

him: Perfect… but don’t let the selection committee see it!!
me: Not a chance. They won’t even see your resume. And I’m adding this to the post.
him: They will be wetting themselves with anticipation. It’s a good job your chair has wheels sweetie!
me: Yes, so I can keep spinning around to reply to them, “No, I don’t know him. Never heard of him. Maybe we should get a court order.”

me: I stepped in it several times with Lee and his religious beliefs
me: offered him lobster
him: uh oh
him: ahhh
me: he said, Oh, you don’t have to
me: I insisted
me: and put it on his plate
him: oh dear
me: oops
him: here… try the pork
me: yes I said the bacon was coming
him: hah
me: I told the waiter to surprise him
him: oh boy
me: and then I was all WHY DIDN’T YOU GET A VASECTOMY
him: he looks like a very nice man
me: oops
me: he is
him: hahaha
me: extremely
me: I wasn’t aware that was a nono
him: well all major religions frown on that
him: except protestants
me: really??
him: yes
me: ah
him: and even some of them do
me: because every sperm is sacred?
him: exactly
me: hmmmm
me: they can help feed and educate the kids then
him: if god hadn’t wanted us to have the snip he wouldn’t have invented surgeons
me: yes
me: and the same with transfusions
him: because the life is in the blood
me: the soul
him: the scripture says “the life”
him: the soul is in the heart/head
me: you and he would have some killer conversations about religion
him: yes
me: I don’t know two people who know more about it
me: personally, that is
him: yes, the pope probably does
him: maybe
me: I don’t know…
me: he can’t even sit up straight
him: and Patriarch Bartholomeo
him: he can
him: big beard
me: but won’t?
him: a man’s man
me: should take some of the undercoat out
him: heh
me: and the mice
him: yes
me: and the gold from indulgences
him: no indulgences in orthodoxy
me: wow you didn’t even crack an e-smile
me: that was funny
him: he wrote to the shrub
me: I was talking about the pulp
me: pope
me: heeeee
him: no you were right the first time
him: he is a lovely man too
me: W?
him: the pulp
me: I don’t even want to know
him: and the dalai llama
me: so close to a discussion about vasectomies

me: Gah, I am FREEZING
him: cold?
me: I sit right under a vent
me: was shivering here last night
him: can you turn it down?
him: you’ll catch cold
me: I don’t think so
me: you can’t catch a cold from being cold
him: yes you can
me: no
me: you can’t
him: yes
him: yes
me: no
him: you can
him: heeeee
me: ok, convince me
him: except in the arctic
him: hehehehehe
me: that drives me nuts when people tell my kids not to go out without a jacket or they will get sick
him: heh
me: ok, you really do know that’s not possible, right?
me: please tell me you do
him: of course it is possible to get sick through being cold
me: convince me
him: hypothermia
him: dead in seconds
me: that is not what we meant and you know it
him: ok
me: technically I could flash-freeze you and you would be a goner
him: when you get cold all your blood goes to the core organs and comes away from less vital areas like the nose and throat thereby making you more susceptible to minor infections
him: true
me: there is something I heard once about how the blood vessels thin and it is theoretically easier for microbes to get through
him: see
me: but I don’t know if that is true and I want to hear your reasoning
him: see above
me: did you just make that up?
him: yes
me: I knew it
him: but it’s good though
him: I could be a pathologist
me: no you could not
him: oh I fricken could
me: with years of training and an ego trim, sure
me: check this
him: no, I could be an amateur pathologist
him: you are such a geek
me: you know it
him: “I believe that being out in bad weather is not likely to increase your chances of getting sick”
me: and are just mad a) that you didn’t google it first; and b) that I am right
him: no
me: I saw that, and agree that I would rather hear it from WebMD
me: ok, check this too
him: bollocks
me: oh, go write your own Internet
him: I crowd no more in winter that in summer and nor do you
me: crowd???
him: crowd into places together, that was the first guys reasoning
him: and why does changing weather give people colds?
him: it has nothing to do with extremes
me: oh we definitely crowd more in winter
me: ever go skiing??
him: where
him: ever been to a beach?
me: changing weather does not give people colds
him: yes it does
me: it is correlated
me: but not causal
me: critical difference
him: what is the correlation then?
him: seems causal to me
him: and vitamin C, whilst helping reduce the effects of the cold, does not help prevent it
me: true
me: does not do much
me: though lots of people swear by it
me: the correlation is that the season for those types of illnesses is the cold season
him: Vitamin A (or B or E), often considered a protection against cancer, actually increases the incidence of cancer in smokers
me: but the cold does not cause one to get sick
him: why though
me: some viruses thrive and replicate better in the cold weather
me: ipso facto
him: don’t fucking get abusive with me girly
me: heeeeeeeee
him: I’ll ipso fact your ass
me: you’re so cute when you’re wrong
him: ahhhh but I am not
me: ahhhhh but you are
him: these are only opinions
me: bullshit
him: by quacks
me: they are scientifically provable
me: and documented
him: arse
him: arse
him: arse
me: oh yes, I spent my childhood surrounded by quacks
him: prove it, scientifically
me: no handy source of reliable public health info
him: heeee
me: yes
him: what do they know, they can’t even cure it
me: I was raised by the editor of one of the premier scientific and medical journals in the world and I know nothing
me: oh fer goodness sakes
him: well, he may
me: oh shut up
him: all I know is, my mum said “always wear a jacket” and I do
me: I hate you
him: and I still get colds
me: and I’m blogging this
him: heeeee
him: people will stop coming round
me: let them
me: I won’t get their colds

him: which mountain?
me: well I guess you’d have to define mountain
me: Mt. Washington
me: the windiest place in the US
him: in Vermont?
me: yes
him: What veggies?
me: zucchinni
him: photocopy?
me: was a long time ago, can’t remember where
him: screaming?
me: oh yes
me: out of frustration
me: and anger
him: skinny dipping?
me: skinny dipping
me: 1986
me: san diego
me: with my entire dorm
me: at midnight
me: killed two with one stone on that one
him: road trip?
him: stolen sign?
me: road trip--lots
me: some with family
him: ok
me: some with friends
me: stolen sign?
me: oh man
me: a few
him: heeee
me: last one was a street sign on Peterson in Chicago at 3 am with Ziggy Zerang
him: heartbreak v love
him: hehehe
me: Dominic
him: I stole a belisha beacon
him: got arrested
him: awwww
him: stranger in a restaurant?
me: oh that was at a family style place
him: ahhh
him: which superhero
me: a dozen at least, with the kids
him: heh
him: should regret but don’t?
me: won’t tell. You’ll think I should regret it, and I don’t.
him: dizzy?
me: been so long I can’t remember
me: ok maybe someone in high school
me: or three
me: I’m not going to tell you!!
him: heh
him: movie?
me: Light of Day
me: auditioned for MJF’s girlfriend and wound up an extra (but I was runner-up)
him: ok
him: stage?
me: lots of times
me: school
me: did Shakespeare
me: even
him: ok
him: what accident
me: ooh
me: a couple
me: once I was in Lake Michigan swimming off the rocks
me: and there was a huge swell
him: uhuh
me: and I went under and didn’t come back up and my friends were FREAKING
him: i bet
me: Debbie swam for the rocks
me: and I went for the breakers
him: like me in the Atlantic once
me: was closer
him: thought I was a goner
me: and when i went under, I went through a small gap in the steel girders of the breakers
me: and came up way on the other side
him: cool
me: and they couldn’t see me
me: thought i’d drowned
him: oh that would have sucked
me: almost did
me: yep
me: also
him: i almost did in a pool once
me: was also a bit dicey that time in Lake Powell with the beached houseboat
me: in a POOL?
him: dived through a tire tube and got stuck upside down, no one else was there!
him: heeee
me: oh no
me: dork
him: can you imagine?
him: dead with my arse in the air
me: was that recent?
him: me in the pool? No, 1980 or thereabouts
me: i was in one of those floaty things as an infant and flipped over
me: my uncle saved me
him: hmmm
him: whose heart?
me: dozens
me: [name deleted]
me: [name deleted]
me: [name deleted] (obviously bragging, and possibly lying)
him: heh
him: changed someone’s mind?
me: oh
me: um
me: I think that was my ex
him: ah
me: talked him round a few Jehovah’s Witness things
him: ok
me: i am sure there were more
him: what animal?
me: fish
me: lame
me: barely qualifies
him: fuck… everyone’s done that, it’s hardly an animal
me: i know
me: but technically true
him: i could say oyster
me: you could
me: your loss
him: but I wouldn’t
me: no, but you almost died with your ass in the air
him: heeee
him: when were you living your dream?
me: now
him: really?
me: i think this is the closest to self-actualized I have ever been
him: good
me: I am at peace with myself
him: you are fucking great
me: just not with everyone else
me: awwwww
him: well
him: that is unlikely to ever happen
me: true
me: and I am at peace with that too
him: good
me: this would be a good post
me: the analysis of the answers
him: yes
him: post away

me: I was just going to sit on my couch and read
him: ok
me: I’m reading an article called, “Why Good Projects Fail Anyway”
me: from the Harvard Business Review
him: i used to subscribe
me: get out
him: i did
me: i was going to make a joke about that
me: may still
him: hah
him: go on then
me: did you keep it in your outhouse?
him: no on my desk
me: you pooed on your desk?
him: heeee
him: no, all my business books and mags
me: you pooed on all your business books and mags???
him: yes
him: exactly
me: no wonder you failed at dotcoms
him: i am a crap manager
me: hahahhaha
me: blogging this
him: heee
me: post title? The Softer Side of The Harvard Business Review?
him: yes, that is good
him: The HBR really is good for something
me: yes
me: I should use the acronym
me: “Settlling in with the HBR”
him: yes, it is more “in the know”
me: “A Sitdown with the HBR”
him: HEEEE
him: “Wipe that smile off your face with the HBR”
him: i am good
me: haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
me: you fuckin are
him: deep breaths
me: i won’t hit “post” yet
him: “The HBR, Better than those Shiny Mags”
me: yes, too many paper cuts
me: “More Reliable Than Newspaper”
him: “A Better Class of Asswipe”
me: “The HBR: It Holds Water”
him: heeeeee
me: “Won’t Biodegrade Like Those Other Ivy League Rags”
him: “The HBR helps YOU do your business”
me: “Why Settle for Number Two? The HBR”
him: “The HBR: Number 1 AND Number 2”
me: was that a jinx
him: heh
me: really?
him: yes
me: “The HBR: Ivy League is Better Than Poison Ivy”
him: “The HBR: Better than your fingers”
me: ok, veering away from the theme here
him: sorry
me: better than COUNTING on your fingers
him: “The HBR: In the Groove… ALL ways”
me: “If You Bring Nothing Else, Bring Your HBR”
me: hahahahahahahha
him: it’s a good mag
me: yes, I’m getting that
him: heeee
me: not overly sucky
him: heh
me: and.... cut

later…

him: I wish I had thought of that
me: that’s why we are a good team
him: never crossed my mind
me: it did mine
him: yes, I’m a dumb fuck and you can see right through me
me: and the reverse is true
him: heh
me: I can see right through you and you are a dumb fuck
him: heeeeeeeee
him: ahhahahahahaha

me: i think the kids can hear me typing. The other bed is up against the wall where my desk is
me: they’re tossing
him: heee
him: tossing means wanking over here
me: I mean tossing and turning
me: i can’t even imagine tossing being a sex term
him: tosser=wanker
me: well, there’s “tossing the salad”
him: toss off=jerk off
me: there is that one
him: but “don’t give a toss” isn’t to do with wanking
me: here, we “toss one off the top of our heads”
him: heeee
me: i knew you’d like that
him: i would laugh in a meeting if someone said that
me: “let me toss an idea at you”
me: “it’s a toss-up”
him: “let me toss one on the table”
me: hahahahahahahaha
me: “toss me a beer”
him: now THAT would be a good trick
me: i have heard that a million times
him: we use toss in the normal way too
me: have said it actually
him: meaning throw
me: “let’s toss the ball around”
him: yes
him: but being British we often have more than one meaning for words
me: “toss the ole pigskin around”
him: hehehehehe
me: haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
me: that one is KILLING me
him: tossing the pigskin
him: haaaaaaa
me: yes
me: am having trouble breathing
him: did you know pigs penises are corkscrew shaped
me: yes
him: how?
me: that is what I was picturing
me: i know a lot about animal penises
him: heeeeeeee
him: major thesis
me: yes
me: special study track
me: you should met my advisor someday
me: he’s a bear
him: HAH
me: am going to find a way to blog this
him: oh i read a bad story recently about bears
me: oh no
him: a woman took her child to one of the parks where there were bears
him: tame bears
me: oh no
him: and she wanted to get a picture
him: so she put honey on the kid’s hands and stepped back
him: took the photo
him: of the bear eating the kid’s hands
me: IDIOT
him: yep
me: what hapened to the kid?
him: handless
me: man oh man
me: am sick
him: sorry
me: wow
me: can you imagine?
him: so… never coat your child with honey around bears
me: no shit
me: here’s a bad one
him: people are just so stupid
me: a child was in diapers
him: uhuh
me: but tall enough to pull up
me: pulled a pot of hot soup off the stove
me: mom was on the phone or off somewhere
him: ahhhhh
me: soaked his diaper
him: oh god
me: was like ten minutes before she came
him: oh poor baby
me: everything inside the diaper melted
him: oh no
me: i heard that from a nurse
him: i have heard things like that
me: i would kill myself
him: when I was a teenager there was a woman in the UK who bit off her baby’s penis because she was angry at her husband
me: nice
him: she put it in the fish tank
him: ???
him: ok time to lighten up
me: wow
me: yes
him: someone once sent me an mpeg of a man nailing his testicles to a block of wood
me: that’s very light, thank you
him: heeee
me: i don’t get the pain thing
him: me either
him: and that would be really sore
me: you think?
me: *ponders
him: it would really smart
him: as they say in Underestimatia
me: sting a bit
me: heeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
me: yes
him: it’s a county in England
me: in Self Deprecator
him: borders with Upper Lipland
me: on the coast of Litotes
him: heee
me: it’s a bit underdeveleloped
me: not overly populated