The Mommy Blog | Adventures from the Wonderbelly of Motherhood

Saturday, February 14, 2009

Humor

props to my new boy toy

Thursday, September 29, 2005

Humor

Why not? I’ll follow all the good news with a surefire ticket to hell.

Hollywood Power Outage Sends City Into Chaos

‘No electricity for 26 minutes. ‘This is our Tsunami.’”

By Joshua Gates. Actor, Photographer. Victim.

LOS ANGELES, CA, September 12, 2005 - Horror and disbelief swept through the greater Hollywood area this afternoon as a minor power-outage turned the city into a virtual war zone, and local residents struggled to deal with the devastating aftermath.

The outage struck at 1:35 PM, during L.A.‘s busy afternoon coffee and Pilates rush hour. Traffic lights fell dark, local gyms and sushi restaurants were without power for nearly 30 minutes and many businesses were illuminated only by the light of the sun and its blistering 78 degree heat. “It was horrible,” said out of work actor and voice-over artist Rick Shea. “I was in a Jamba Juice on Melrose when it, hit and the blenders simply shut down. A woman lunged for my Berry Lime Sublime and after that, well, it got pretty ugly.”

In the ensuing panic, local radio stations broadcasted conflicting reports as to exactly which local businesses would be offering relief supplies. Almost 100 people flocked to the Starbucks at Santa Monica and La Brea only to find helpless baristas, no hot coffee and a totally meager selection of baked goods. “My mother is 83 years old, and we heard on the radio that this Starbucks was going to be up and running. If she doesn’t get a vent! i > ;>>Arabian _Mocha Sanani, I don’t know what’s going to happen to her; I really don’t.” said Lucinda Merino of Los Feliz. To make matters worse, those few people who did manage to get coffee were further thwarted by a total lack of artificial sweeteners on site. “Sugar in the Raw? Are you friggin’ kidding me?” sobbed local homosexual and avid salsa dancer, Enrique Santoro. “I’m on the South Beach Diet, and my insulin levels are going to go crazy if I use this. Why isn’t the rest of the country doing something?”

Deteriorating conditions will force authorities to evacuate the thousands of people at local Quiznos, movie theaters and upscale shopping centers, including The Beverly Center, where a policeman told CNN that unrest was escalating. The officer expressed concern that the situation could worsen overnight after patrons defaced multiple “So You Think you Can Dance” posters, looted a Baby Gap and demanded free makeovers en masse at a MAC cosmetics store during the afternoon.

At least 2,000 refugees, a majority of them beautiful, will travel in a bus convoy to Beverly Hills starting this evening and will be sheltered at the 8-year-old Spago on North Canon where soft omelettes with confit bacon and Hudson Valley foie gras was being airlifted in by The National Guard. Thank heavens.

Honorary Mayor of Hollywood, Johnny Grant, told a group of embedded reporters at a Koo Koo Roo Chicken restaurant on Larchmont that, “Th! e scope and scale of this disaster is almost too much to comprehend. Local carwashes are at a stand-still, the tram tour at Universal Studios has been on hold for almost an

hour now, and I’ve been waiting for a rotisserie leg and thigh with a side of green beans for upwards of 15 minutes. This truly is our Tsunami.”

“We want to accommodate those people suffering in The Beverly Center as quickly as possible for the simple reason that they have been through a horrible ordeal,” Grant said.

“We need water. We need edamame. We need low-carb bread,” said Martha Owens, 49, who was one of the thousands trapped in The Beverly Center when the escalators stopped moving. “They need to start sending somebody through here.”

Along miles of coastline, the power simply surged, causing writers to lose upwards of a page of original screenplay material, causing DirecTV service to work only intermittently and forcing local residents to walk outside and look helplessly at the breathtaking Pacific from their ocean view decks. “I can hardly begin to put this experience into words,” said seasoned Two and a Half Men writer John Edlestein . “I was just getting into my rhythm and making some real headway on a scene where Charlie Sheen parties with a busload of female volleyball players, when my Power Book crapped out. I have nothing. Simply, nothing.”

Delivering his weekly radio address live from the White! House, President Bush announced he was deploying more than 7,000 additional active-duty troops to the region. He comforted victims and praised relief workers.

“But despite their best efforts, the magnitude of responding to a crisis over a disaster area this sunny and trendy has created tremendous problems,” he said. “The result is that many of our citizens simply are not getting the help they need, especially in the Hollywood Hills, and that is unacceptable.”

“Southern Californians are resilient though. I have no doubt they will bounce back like this never happened,” professed Cellulite Reduction Specialist, Kim Bellevue. “The therapy sessions could reach an all time high though.”

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Tuesday, August 02, 2005

Humor

I can’t decide which is more disturbing:

The fact that I received this catalog;
The fact that I flipped through it long enough to find this;
The fact that I immediately thought of Lee;
The fact that I couldn’t stop laughing at the thought of him sitting there with that poster of Brad Pitt hanging over his shoulder (I’m not making it up—I have been in his powder room);
The fact that I am reprinting the description.

“You can’t hook a fish with it, but it’s sure to catch your company’s eye. Clear acrylic decor showcases replicas of antique fishing lures. Don’t forget to zip up your ‘fly!’”

amused yet horrified

Tuesday, March 01, 2005

Me, Me, Me, Humor

Wheeeee!

Mommy,
You won our monthly prize of $100! You have a choice of paypal or an Amazon gift certificate. I’ll need a paypal email address if you want to be paid via paypal. If you choose the Amazon gift certificate, I’ll use the current email address on file or you can send me another one if you like.

Please let us know ASAP since we would like to pay you promptly of course.

Thanks for using our counters and if you feel up to it we would appreciate if you could mention that you won a prize at branica.com on your great blog as we are the ONLY counter where users can win a monthly prize!

Thanks,

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consider yourself plugged

Monday, May 17, 2004

Humor

A farmer had five female pigs, and, as times were hard, he had decided to take them to the county fair and sell them. While at the fair, he met another farmer who owned five male pigs.

After talking a bit, they decided to mate the pigs and split everything 50/50.

The farmers lived sixty miles away from one another and so they agreed to drive thirty miles and find a field in which to mate their pigs.

The first morning, the farmer with the female pigs got up at 5 AM. loaded the pigs into the family station wagon, which was the only vehicle they had, and drove the thirty miles.

While the pigs were mating, he asked the other farmer, “How will I know if they are pregnant?”

The other farmer replied, “If they’re in the grass grazing in the morning, then they’re pregnant; if they’re in the mud, then they’re not.”

The next morning they were rolling in the mud, so he hosed them off, loaded them again into the family station wagon and proceeded to try again.

This continued each morning the following week until one morning the farmer was so tired that he couldn’t get out of bed.

He called to his wife, “Honey, please look outside and tell me if the pigs are in the mud or in the field.”

Friday, May 07, 2004

Humor

Once again, it’s Pam to the rescue. Nothing cheers like the image of Dubya doing the Down Dog.

Friday, May 07, 2004

Humor

You’ll be happy to note that I resisted posting the really cute joke I received from a friend today, but am happy to post the snarky one that came after it…

A man and a woman who have never met before find themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a transcontinental train.

Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, the two are tired and fall asleep quickly…he in the upper bunk and she in the lower.

At 1:00 AM, he leans over the side and gently wakes the woman saying, “Ma’am, I’m sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket? I’m awfully cold.”

“I have a better idea,” she replies. “Just for tonight, let’s pretend that we’re married.”

“Wow! That’s a great idea!!” he exclaims.

Friday, April 23, 2004

Humor

It’s taken me all night, but I did it. The first gag is complete. With Mindy being out of town, my Internet Provider being offline due to server problems, and the Colorado Avalanche losing - I had a little time on my hands. I have successfully glued all of Mindy’s office furniture to her ceiling. I didn’t miss a detail. Her pen is glued to a piece of paper, that is glued to the jumbo desk calendar, that is glued to the desk, that is glued to the ceiling. Photos are glued upside down to the desk. Paper clips? Ha! They are glued in a little pyramid on her desk. The coffee was the hard part. I actually had to fake that. Some 5 minute epoxy and food coloring looks just like that cup of joy.

You don’t believe I did this do you? This ruptured disk in my back is not proof enough? The fact that super glue prices skyrocketed overnight are no evidence? OK, how about a 3-D walkthrough? Thanks those goofy real estate agents for giving me the “walkthrough software” to make my job of proving this little gag a little easier. Now Mac people, I’m very sorry, but this little animation will not work on your machines. I’m terribly sorry. For you others, Click here to download the walkthrough program. You can save this program to your own computer or run it from here. Pressing the “Esc” key exits the program.

Now…..where’s the fridge full of beer?

Tuesday, April 20, 2004

Humor

Colorstrology: it is magic made visible!

Found this at Beancounter Daydreams! I have to say that I am normally quite skeptical about this sort of thing, but it is apparently true that you can nail every salient aspect of one’s personality just by knowing one’s date of birth. Amazing!

Tuesday, April 20, 2004

Humor

I’m not gone yet, Ydnim! Jeez, I try to be proactive and efficient, and you can’t even let my seat get cold.

ANYWAY, I was discussing a certain anatomical feature with a friend the other day, and this joke just popped into my inbox this morning by coincidence.

The 6th grade science teacher, Mrs. Parks, asked her class, “Which human body part increases to 10 times its size when stimulated?”

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No one answered until little Mary stood up, angry, and said, “You should not be asking 6th graders a question like that! I’m going to tell my parents, and they will go and tell the principal, who will then fire you!”

Arms crossed tightly, with a sneer on her face, she then sat back down.

Mrs. Parks ignored her and asked the question again, “Which body part increases to 10 times its size when stimulated?”

Little Mary’s mouth fell open, then she turned and said to those around her, “Boy, is she going to get in big trouble!”

The teacher continued to ignore her and said to the class, “Anybody?”

Finally, Billy stood up, looked around nervously and said, “The body part that increases 10 times its size when stimulated is the pupil of the eye.”

Mrs. Parks said, “Very good, Billy,” then turned to Mary and continued, “As for you, young lady, I have three things to say: One, you have a dirty mind, two, you didn’t read your homework, and three…one day you will grow up to be very, very disappointed.”

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Sunday, April 18, 2004

Humor

There’s an even CHEAPER way to start appreciating what you’ve got at home! Craig’s List rules.

”Thank you CL men for saving me from a night of sluttiness”

:ponders:

Sunday, April 18, 2004

Humor

I just love McSweeney’s. And I am really, really glad that I haven’t received my Pottery Barn catalog lately.

CORRESPONDENCE FROM MY POSTAL PLANT MANAGER
BY JUDSON MERRILL

Dear Postal Customer:

I want to extend my sincere apology as your Plant Manager for the enclosed document that was inadvertently damaged in handling by your Postal Service.

We are aware how important your mail is to you. With that in mind, we are forwarding it to you in an expeditious fashion.

The United States Postal Service handles over 202 billion pieces of mail each year. While each employee makes a concerted effort to process, without damage, each piece of mail, an occasional mishap does happen.

You can help us greatly in our efforts to improve our processing methods if you will continue to properly prepare and address each letter or parcel that you enter into the mail-stream.

We appreciate your cooperation and understanding and sincerely regret any inconvenience that you have experienced.

- - - -

Dear Postal Customer:

It has long been our policy to get your letters and parcels to you in the efficient, timely manner you deserve. It is not officially our policy that our carriers defecate in your Pottery Barn catalogues before they are delivered. I swear that it was an absolute emergency, and sincerely apologize for any catalogues you may have received/will receive that give any impression to the contrary.

We appreciate your cooperation and understanding and sincerely regret any inconvenience that you have experienced.

- - - -

Dear Postal Customer:

It appears that the mail we deliver to you today is not among the many hundreds of millions that we delivered just this morning without incident. Indeed, as you can see from the need for this bag, your mail is not entirely in one piece. We have managed to salvage several bits of the front of an envelope that once contained a letter intended for you.

It is not the policy of the USPS to rip apart mail and throw letters to the wind, making it impossible to deliver more than a few scraps of paper. However, it does happen from time to time. In the future, you can help us improve our delivery systems by not sending your mail in inflammatory envelopes.

Also, the original postmark on this envelope is illegible, but my friend Steve and I think it is from late 2002.

We appreciate your cooperation and understanding and sincerely regret any inconvenience that you have experienced.

- - - -

Dear Postal Customer:

The USPS always sees an increase in mailed parcels during the Valentine’s Day Holiday Season. This year we moved over 17 billion parcels during the first two weeks of February. Most of these were delivered in a timely fashion, as is our policy. A few, however, were set aside until late last night.

The packages were then moved to an abandoned warehouse on the waterfront, at which time an anonymous call was made to local heavy known only as Hansel. Hansel arrived at the warehouse shortly after two in the morning. He wasted no time in working over the parcels first with a baseball bat, then with a crude machete and finally with a small yet powerful acetylene torch. Per his anonymous instructions, he left the packages outside our local plant, soaking in a drum of vinegar.

We have worked quickly since we found the packages this morning to get them to their owners in a timely fashion. You can facilitate delivery of your future packages by asking your senders to avoid busy holiday seasons and Tuesdays, which are never good for us.

We appreciate your cooperation and understanding and sincerely regret any inconvenience that you have experienced.

- - - -

Dear Postal Customer:

I want to extend my sincere apology as your Plant Manager for the enclosed relative that was inadvertently damaged in handling by your Postal Service.

It is not our policy to meticulously stalk, track down, hunt, kidnap, and box up our customers’ loved ones. Still, the occasional mishap does occur. Because we know your family is important to you we are forwarding this cardboard tomb to you in an expeditious fashion.

You can help us greatly in our efforts to improve our processing methods by telling your relatives that we are a reality, we are not going away, and they can expect us to come to their homes, six days a week, in rain or hail or sleet or snow or heat of day or dark of night.

We appreciate your cooperation and understanding and sincerely regret any inconvenience that you have experienced.

Saturday, April 17, 2004

Humor

My wacky Aunt Ellen just sent me these old lady jokes. I laughed. I groaned. I posted.

Two elderly ladies are sitting on the front porch, doing nothing. One lady turns and asks, “Do you still get horny?” The other replies, “Oh sure I do.” The first old lady asks, “What do you do about it?” The second old lady replies, “I suck a lifesaver.” After a few moments, the first old lady asks, “Who drives you to the beach?”

~-~-~

An old lady was standing at the railing of the cruise ship holding her hat on tightly so that it would not blow off in the wind. A gentleman approached her and said: “Pardon me, madam. I do not intend to be forward, but did you know that your dress is blowing up in this high wind?”
“Yes, I know,” said the lady, “I need both hands to hold onto this hat.”
“But, madam, you must know that your privates are exposed!” said the gentleman in earnest. The woman looked down, then back up at the man and replied, “Sir, anything you see down there is 85 years old. I just bought this hat yesterday!”

~-~-~

Three old ladies were sitting side by side in their retirement home reminiscing. The first lady recalled shopping at the green grocers and demonstrated with her hands, the length and thickness of a cucumber she could buy for a penny. The second old lady nodded, adding that onions used to be much bigger and cheaper also, and demonstrated the size of two big onions she could buy for a penny a piece. The third old lady remarked, “I can’t hear a word you’re saying, but I remember the guy your"re talking about.”

~-~-~

Two elderly women were out driving in a large car. Both could barely see over the dashboard. As they were cruising along, they came to an intersection. The stoplight was red but they just went on through. The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself, “I must be losing it. I could have sworn we just went through red light.”
After a few more minutes they came to another intersection, the light was red, and again they went right through. This time, the passenger was almost sure that the light had been red, but was also concerned that she might be seeing things. She was getting nervous and decided to pay very close attention.

At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was definitely red and they blew right through it. She turned to the other woman and said, “Mildred! Did you know that you ran through three red lights in a row? You could have killed us.”

Mildred turned to her and said, “Oh shit! Am I driving?”

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Friday, April 16, 2004

Humor

*hands Jilbur the prize for the funniest “Google Mindy” entry*

Show me the scary.

And speaking of big Republican hair, a friend in New York just sent me this. Excuse me while I go close my door and turn up the volume!

Friday, April 16, 2004

Humor

Occasionally I get some really entertainiing email from you wacky people, and today there were two in particular that made me laugh (or want to hand out wedgies, whichever).

This first just contained a photo attachment and a comment: “Hehehehehe. Google Mindy images… hehehehehe”

The second has a funny in it, as well as a suggestion that in order to cater “more to your hopelessly closeted, stereotypically male demographic, you might want to consider Mommy Blog hardware/carpentry merchandise (e.g. tool belts, power saws, jackhammers, bulldozers, chewing tobacco spit cups, etc).”

GREAT IDEA! I’ll get right on it. I guess the chef’s apron that begs, “Please don’t blog this” doesn’t quite cover the demographic.

In fact, I’ll take suggestions for guyware/wear—if you have some great idea for anything that might fit into this category of Mommy Blog stuff, send it in! I’ll post the good stuff.

(Think of it as an public service. This poor guy would otherwise have to show up at my book signing in a Mommy Blog thong, and he works in a correctional center. He’d be dead by morning and I can’t have that.)

TheMommyBlog

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