TheMommyBlog

Sunday, March 11, 2007 Family

Outside: gorgeous and sunny, with a hint of “why are you sitting inside?”

Inside: frantic and stressful, with a heaping cup of “servers down.”

I wiped this afternoon clean so that I could work on freelance stuff (is it freelance if it’s for yourself in the hopes that it will become a paying gig?), and the servers have been up and down, more down than up, and I’m ready to hurl things through the french doors. And then I think how nice the sofa looks out there under the pergola, and wonder why in blue blazes I’m not out there trying to peel myself off the ceiling, and then I remember it’s so that I don’t have to wonder how much I could get selling it for scrap to support my family. It’s the ultimate irony: not enjoying the nice environment you’ve created because you’re no longer able to provide like you did while creating it.

I love my house. I love the flowers and plants my mom and stepdad have planted and nurtured all around it. I love the colors and the way it looks so cozy and warm at night, and bright and cheerful in the day. I love having a garage and a car that’s paid for. I love having a fireplace and a nice home office.

I don’t love that technology is unpredictable. I don’t love that the gas and electricity bills are through the roof. I don’t love the sound my brakes are making. I don’t love worrying about the mortgage. I don’t love that I have to hang onto this place by hook or by crook (not that I don’t want to, but that to lose it would be disastrous) because it’s by a fluke of map-drawing in an excellent school district and I can’t leave until my kids have gotten the most they can out of it. There is no way I could afford a different place with a decent school district, or private school tuition if we did move. So, we’re staying put as long as we can because we love it and we need it.

Which means I am in a state of constant worry and fear. I know that my family won’t let me break off from the mainland and drift off to tip over or melt in the warmer waters; they have always been here for me. But I have to provide for myself and my family. In the end, it’s down to me, and where I am now won’t do it.  So I’ve turned to web enterprise as a second career, and the fucking servers won’t stay up. That means that although this site is still up, Boutique Community and the new site are not. And I still haven’t put all the bolts back into the new one, and it still needs finish work.

It’s making cleaning out the garage look like fun—if only someone would pay me for it! Until then, I am not going to be much fun, and certainly won’t be very entertaining. Just looking at that other tab in my browser is making me want to scream and then wince from the screaming because I have a migraine-like feeling building behind my eyes.

I’m going to walk away and take something for my head, back and neck, and hope that my cortisol levels will recede sometime this decade.