TheMommyBlog

Friday, May 29, 2009 Bad Mood Dude, Family

I’ve been circling my computer for days now, unable to think of anything to say that would pass for entertaining. If you’re into that sort of thing, that is. What we do have is train wreck with a side of schadenfreude. (I can hear some of you. “Schadenfreude! It’s my favorite!”)

In the last couple of months, not entirely independent of this stupid, interminable, non-contagious yet excruciating childhood disease, I’ve been seriously re-evaluating my path and sorting out what aspects of my life need work, need help from others, and which should just be left alone for a goddamn minute. Put. The. Shovel. Down.

I made a list of the significant life events (not all-inclusive; omissions include anything including high school, my second stint at college, or anything that could jeopardize my running for office):

• 4 Engagements
• 2 Marriages
• 3 Children
• 2 Divorces
• If there is a Marriage #3, I need to get it right.
• 1 Very successful career, heavy on income and ability to provide
• 4 Spectacularly wretched exits from first career plus three new ventures in rapid succession, with cocomittant aftermath of profound disbelief and horror at how very different the employment experience was after 12 years of being very well respected and an expert in a specific field. True, two employers went under and one was a psycho, but… wow.
• 1 (very) Recent breakup, yep, the wedding is off. Not at all sure what I’m doing. Don’t much want to talk about it.
• An interminable number of months and years ahead of me in which I need to raise and support my family, as a single, half-employed mom with lots of talents and an avocation which is ideal for starving.

I can barely sit here with the flare-ups. I actually thought I had it licked when last week I had three entire days of feeling fantastic—well enough to ride my bike, do tons of laundry, and not curl into the fetal position, once.

Aaaand then it flared up again yesterday. Man down!

The good news is that I am paying the mortgage and some bills today, which is a massive relief.

The bad news is that when I took one of the children for additional testing and evaluation to separate the “able to” from the “want to”, the recommended course of study ran the price of a double wide. My child is brilliant in many areas, unmeasurable in others (read: did not even provide answers), and apparently in need of some intervention. I’m plugging that into the curriculum for Camp Roberts this summer.

Seriously, how can these places charge so much? When I heard the number, I thought, that’s one small car, that’s half a year of mortgages, that’s more than I make in seven months. Suddenly, I was excruciatingly aware of the opportunities that will be missed, and how we are truly hanging by a muffler. I’m going to drive that car until it dies. How am I ever going to provide for my kids? Where’s Mr. Darcy? I’ll settle for Colin Firth.

Okay, hands and wrists on fire, legs feel filled with hot sauce, head in a vice, and neck in a choke collar. Need Advil and rest. Maybe a movie. Then I can go to my son’s last playoff game this afternoon without keeling over.