Dating is a precarious enterprise. You might meet a man, date him for three blissed-filled months, and then the bloom falls off the rose… and the man is out of your life. It’s difficult enough for an adult to handle the ups and downs of relationships, but for kids, meeting the boyfriend too soon can create huge problems. Suddenly, their new best friend (and potential father figure) Bill is never seen again. Or maybe John seemed wonderful until he was a jerk to your teenage son… and what child needs a jerk in his life? So how do you know when it’s the right time for your boyfriend and your children to meet? Mindy Roberts of The Mommy Blog asks our panelists and guest Maria Young of Immoral Matriarch, “When do you let your kids meet your new man?
How do you introduce your kids to your new significant other? When is the right time? And do you have any horror stories? Join the Momversation by commenting on the episode.
See the video of us mom bloggers in Cabo (below)! So nice not to be scripted. Lovely operation, first class.
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02.24.10 at 09:33 AM |
So many opinions! First I vote Situational. I dated 2 men after divorcing: the first was a dad and I could have waited YEARS before bringing my daughter around - because somewhere in my heart I knew we weren’t going to stay together for a long time. Man #2 was a matter of 6 weeks or so? And within a pretty short time he was included in family dinners, weekend outings, etc. Partly for her - b/c she needs a stable dad figure who she can see treating her and her mom well, and partly for him - b/c I wantd to see if this single, never-been-married guy could handle the dad role as I entertained the idea that we’d get married. But then there’s the flip side: her dad had his GF aorund for VERY SINGLE VISITATION he’s ever had since she’s been born, and then abruptly broke up with GF. My daughter has no idea what’s going on and is too young to raitonally understand. This irks me, b/c the GF should have been on the back burner the whole time, as it was painfully obvious that she wasn’t going to be around for the long haul.
02.24.10 at 10:51 AM |
I agree with the previous post. It all depends. On one side you don’t want to introduce them too early in case it doesn’t work out, on the other side you don’t want to suddenly find out that your significant other and your kids hate each other and could never get along.
One idea that worked for me, is that you don’t have to introduce the other person as mommy’s “boyfriend” and potential father figure. You can just introduce them as a friend, somebody you work with, etc. If things work out - great! If not, you can say your friend moved away, doesn’t work with you anymore, etc.
I do think it is important to see how your significant other and your kids get along early on to make sure you don’t get your own expectations too high.
03.02.10 at 10:58 AM |
Mindy,
I/We can only go off of what you show us on here. What we saw after your divorce was you dating a guy for a long time “Mr. X.” He was involved heavily in your kids’ life. Then you got engaged and, then it ended and he was gone. Not much time has passed when you had a new guy in your life. That’s a lot of change for young kids. In a span of less than five years, mom divorced, dating, engaged, single and then dating again.
There’s a book out there called, moms house/ dads house.http://www.amazon.com/Moms-House-Dads-Making-Homes/dp/0684830787 It’s an excellent book on how to deal with divorce and dating again. The rule is 6 mos to introduce the new person. And I’m sorry but I disagree that just because he has kids that it changes the rules. So what if this doesn’t work out, the kids not only got attached to him, but the kids too. And I’ve seen this happen MANY times.
As a one time single mother, it makes me sad to see kids have people ripped from their lives. It’s like them having to go through the divorce all over again. Just because you can’t see how much they hurt or miss that person, it’s there. And it just might surface later. I.E. therapy.
It’s never to late to pull back and make your kids the top priority. I don’t have any doubts that you love your children VERY much. But there’s nothing wrong with being alone and getting yourself mentally healthy first. And there’s nothing wrong with dating again, but the kids should not be part of the your dating for a long time.
I hope your house sells soon and you make a profit.
03.02.10 at 01:34 PM |
Thanks for the input.
I did not edit the episode and you did not see the additional eight minutes of footage I submitted in which I put my comments in context.
I assure you that I have my children’s best interest ahead of anyone else’s.
I’ve read the book, lived the life as a child, talked extensively about it with my own children. How we’ve handled things has been directed in no small part by them, with them taking the lead on many things about which you have no insight.
Believe me, the children were not surprised or sorry about the last few changes in my life. We live our lives as a unit. They have surprised me with their wisdom and observations, and tell me often that they not only fully support my actions, but continually encourage me to put my happiness a little higher on my own priority list.
Funny, my security word is “mean.”
03.03.10 at 06:42 PM |
Mindy I’ve been a reader of your when you were married, so I know that you love your kids, very much.
I really just want everyone to be happy. The real victims of divorce are the children, but as a child of divorce you know that.
I hope you find serenity for you all.
I have to ask, do you mind that they edit content out that is pertinent and it sometimes makes some of you look vapid? I know you have a contract with them, but it would chap my hide to have my words taken out of context.
03.03.10 at 06:54 PM |
Vapid! Argh. I have spent my whole life trying my best not to ever sound that way.
Yes, sometimes I wish the context were a bit clearer, and that some of the more relevant but less “interesting” bits were included. I went on and on in this episode, but hardly anything made the final cut. I sometimes hear from the producers that I can get too academic, another thing I never thought I’d hear in my professional life. I can hear my professor mom having a stroke.
Yes, I mind very much, but that is the business, I signed on for it, and adore our producer. I know he means only the best for the show. As my stepdad, an editor all his life, says, “All editors are evil.” He knows that choices that are best for the publication are not always best for the authors.
The show is theirs, they never ask us to re-shoot, they work with what we give them, and have to find common threads in the many minutes of footage several of us submit for a single four-minute episode. I have to give them credit for doing well considering the gymnastics, especially when we each go off on a separate tangent, or have different tones (lighthearted, deadly serious, offended, sarcastic). It’s a tough call.
03.07.10 at 02:38 AM |
This is just another reason why I like your website. I like your style of writing you tell your stories without out sending us to 5 other sites to complete the story.
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03.22.10 at 08:39 AM |
I have been thinking about divorce for several years after alot of alcohol and verbal abuse towards me from my husband. It has always only involved me being the abused until Thanksgiving 2009 where my drunken husband jumped out of the car while I was driving with my children in it to witness.
I have filed papers and my husband has been aware of me wanting a divorce since December/January. I have been sleeping on the couch since then.
Last year I had found a friend from HS that I had not seen in 20 years, we were commencement partners, we wrote letters to one another while he was in the marines and then lost contact, until now.
We have become friends again and he has been someone that I would talk to about my situation but he was always supportive but never said anything bad about my husband or marriage.
I told him one day in January that I was getting a divorce, he was shocked when I told him about the years of abuse but happy for me that I was not staying for the safety of myself and kids.
Recently he confided in me that he has missed and loved me for years and would like to see if he and I could have a relationship.
I have been seeing him since and we just have this great connection, I don’t know if it is becasue of our past but our feelings towards one another are mutual and growing stronger every day.
He has never been married and has no children but looks forward to meeting my children and spending time with them.
I plan on introducing my children to him on Easter at my sisters but as a friend as well as my sisters friend.
How soon after can I start involving him more into my childrens lives???