TheMommyBlog

Wednesday, August 20, 2008 Family

I mean, does it get any better than this? My ex-husband is so excited about my engagement to someone he admires that he is throwing me a get-together and inviting my parents while his parents are in town. Sha-ZAM!

If that’s not divorcing with Tenderness and Grace, I don’t know what is. Honestly, when we set out to raise our children without the burden of guilt or fault with regard to the divorce, we thought we’d do okay. Maybe.

When I met Phil, my ex was happy for me. Then, when he met Phil, he was happy, period. Here was a guy’s guy, someone who did not try to parent his children, who did not try to be the dad, who loved me unwaveringly, and who had everything he could wish for in a role model: integrity, honesty, wit, charm, and tolerance. When the kids met him, they were all, “Chef! YAY! Bowler? Double YAY!” They love him.

The first clue that we were exuding a modicum of Tenderness and Grace was the kids asking why in blue blazes were we breaking up because they thought we got along fine. Score one for not hanging it all out there in front of the kids! The second clue was when my daughter asked both of us to promise not to get married because she didn’t want anyone new in the family. When I asked about Phil, she said, “Duh, he IS part of the family!”

The same goes for his family. I haven’t met a single one of them that I wouldn’t choose to live with on a deserted island. I mean, the men all cook, the women are sharp, open, and generous, and the whole bunch is funny as hell. Plus, they get me. That right there is no easy feat.

My ex has been asking me for the last year when we’d be getting married, and—let me be clear—he doesn’t stand to benefit in any way from it. He just likes the guy. He thinks this is the best thing that could happen to the kids. “Don’t let him get away, Mindy, he’s really great. You make a great pair.” You know, I almost think that I was meant to lose my friendship with him as a spouse, because there was a far richer friendship waiting for us.

When an old friend called last night to congratulate me, she said, “You’re giving the rest of us hope! If one fortyish mom can attract a guy like that, maybe we can, too.” And she doesn’t even have kids—believe me, they aren’t lining up for divorcées with four decades and three children under their (elasticized) belts.

So, as difficult as the last several years have been, as much disaster and wreckage we’ve all been though individually and as a family, I wouldn’t change a single moment of it, because it led us here.