TheMommyBlog

I want us to be role models for them. I want my children to see a sharp, decisive, critical thinker who can also pick up on nonverbal clues and get down to the the granular, emotional levels that really make them feel accepted and worthy and special. I want your children to see how a man and a woman in love can go through the daily rituals in peace, without anger, without animosity, without beating each other up or scrabbling for dominance through belittling or condescension. I want them to see you tuck me in on the couch and bring me coffee, and I want them to see me snuggle up to you and scratch your head and listen to you talk about your day. I want them to see us both diving in and taking care of things - cooking, laundry, responding to their needs, tending to sick ones, checking in constantly to be sure we all know where we are in the great scheme of things.

This sounds idealistic, I know, but if anyone has the capacity for balance between seeking ideal behaviors/interactions, and pragmatism, we do. We understand that about each other, and can tolerate imperfection, hell, embrace it, because life is messy and you can’t recognize success until you’ve royally fucked things up. And it’s ok to do that on a daily basis. Above all, I want them to see that laughter and closeness and tolerance and concern for others more than makes up for any discomfort that comes from failure or conflict. Get it in the open, understand it, have a laugh, get some ice cream. And then get up and do it all over again.

I want them to learn responsibility and understand how to earn things: respect, love, money, status. It will be our challenge to set things up in a recognizable, consistent way so that there are clear relationships between effort and output. I want them to learn the difference between effort and garbage, and effort and gold. One is tolerable if the other is constantly being worked toward.

I don’t want them to feel entitled. One thing our situation has done is to teach my children that life is not fair, that being a good person doesn’t earn you good things, and that you have to make your own luck and be poised to take advantage of opportunities as they arise - luck favors the prepared mind and all. Hope for the best, prepare for the worst, underpromise and overdeliver. In the end people, especially children, won’t remember what you did, but they will never forget how you made them feel. That sounds like a great family creed - it is so true. Think of all the feelings you’ve carried throughout your life and then try to remember the specific actions leading up to them. You’ll never have as clear a picture of that as you will of how you felt, and how those feelings cured over time. It’s why I spend so much time touching my children and using endearments and always welcoming their thoughts and feelings. You are the first man I have ever met that does that consistently and to a level that inspires me to do better.

I think we are amazing in our own rights, but have the potential for so much more together. I love you and want to be by your side and be the kind of team our children want to emulate. If they can get their heads out of their asses, that is.

Just some Monday morning thoughts. Can’t wait to see you tonight.

Mindy