ARIES (Mar 21 - Apr 19)
You are the pioneer type and hold most people in contempt. You are quick tempered, impatient, and scornful of advice. You are not very nice.
One nice thing about egotists: they don’t talk about other people.
Of course it’s the murder weapon. Who would frame someone with a fake?
You will be attacked by a beast who has the body of a wolf, the tail of a lion, and the face of Donald Duck.
I’ve given up reading books; I find it takes my mind off myself.
The society which scorns excellence in plumbing as a humble activity and tolerates shoddiness in philosophy because it is an exalted activity will have neither good plumbing nor good philosophy… neither its pipes nor its theories will hold water.
In our civilization, and under our republican form of government, intelligence is so highly honored that it is rewarded by exemption from the cares of office.
—Ambrose Bierce, The Devil’s Dictionary
THEY MISUNDERESTIMATED ME.
- George W Bush
Genderplex, n.: The predicament of a person in a restaurant who is unable to determine his or her designated restroom (e.g., turtles and tortoises).
—Rich Hall, Sniglets
Acting is an art which consists of keeping the audience from coughing.
Just because everything is different doesn’t mean anything has changed.
—Irene Peter
Marriage is the only adventure open to the cowardly.
—Voltaire
A jury consists of 12 persons chosen to decide who has the better lawyer.
—Robert Frost
I know not with what weapons World War III will be fought, but World War IV will be fought with sticks and stones.
—Albert Einstein
They spell it da Vinci and pronounce it da Vinchy. Foreigners always spell better than they pronounce.
—Mark Twain
In Pocataligo, Georgia, it is a violation for a woman over 200 pounds and attired in shorts to pilot or ride in an airplane.
Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.
It is Texas law that when two trains meet each other at a railroad crossing, each shall come to a full stop, and neither shall proceed until the other has gone.
If God had intended Man to Smoke, He would have set him on Fire.
Scott’s first Law: No matter what goes wrong, it will probably look right.
Ask five economists and you’ll get five different explanations (six if one went to Harvard).
—Edgar R. Fiedler
BASIC is the Computer Science equivalent of ‘Scientific Creationism’.
Mistakes are often the stepping stones to utter failure.
Entropy isn’t what it used to be.
The doctrine of human equality reposes on this: that there is no man really clever who has not found that he is stupid.
—Gilbert K. Chesterson
MOCK APPLE PIE (No Apples Needed)
Pastry to two crust 9-inch pie 36 RITZ Crackers
2 cups water 2 cups sugar
2 teaspoons cream of tartar 2 tablespoons lemon juice
Grated rind of one lemon Butter or margarine
Cinnamon
Roll out bottom crust of pastry and fit into 9-inch pie plate. Break RITZ Crackers coarsely into pastry-lined plate. Combine water, sugar and cream of tartar in saucepan, boil gently for 15 minutes. Add lemon juice and rind. Cool. Pour this syrup over Crackers, dot generously with butter or margarine and sprinkle with cinnamon. Cover with top crust. Trim and flute edges together. Cut slits in top crust to let steam escape. Bake in a hot oven (425 F) 30 to 35 minutes, until crust is crisp and golden. Serve warm. Cut into 6 to 8 slices.
—Found lurking on a Ritz Crackers box
Dessert is probably the most important stage of the meal, since it will be the last thing your guests remember before they pass out all over the table.
—The Anarchist Cookbook
ACHTUNG!!!
Das machine is nicht fur gefingerpoken und mittengrabben. Ist easy schnappen der springenwerk, blowenfusen und corkenpoppen mit spitzensparken. Ist nicht fur gewerken by das dummkopfen. Das rubbernecken sightseeren keepen hands in das pockets. Relaxen und vatch das blinkenlights!!!
Buzz off, Banana Nose; Relieve mine eyes
Of hateful soreness, purge mine ears of corn;
Less dear than army ants in apple pies
Art thou, old prune-face, with thy chestnuts worn,
Dropt from thy peeling lips like lousy fruit;
Like honeybees upon the perfum’d rose
They suck, and like the double-breasted suit
Are out of date; therefore, Banana Nose,
Go fly a kite, thy welcome’s overstayed;
And stem the produce of thy waspish wits:
Thy logick, like thy locks, is disarrayed;
Thy cheer, like thy complexion, is the pits.
Be off, I say; go bug somebody new,
Scram, beat it, get thee hence, and nuts to you.
Me, Me, Me
I write. A lot.
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11.19.04 at 08:52 AM |
turtles and tortoises
This would stump me, too. I’d probably just about pee my pants waiting for somebody to come out of one of the doors so I could be sure.
11.19.04 at 09:22 AM |
boredom at work, what a witty thing
11.20.04 at 05:35 AM |
Only you get dating spam . . .
11.20.04 at 08:10 AM |
ARIES (Mar 21 - Apr 19)
You are the pioneer type and hold most people in contempt. You are quick tempered, impatient, and scornful of advice. You are not very nice.
I’m Aries. I had no idea I was such a nasty person. Thanks for the insight. I’ll try harder to live up to it.
11.22.04 at 12:30 PM |
You get Sniglet SPAM? That. SO. Rocks. I would subscribe to that!
ACCORDIONATED (ah kor’ de on ay tid) adj. Being able to drive and refold a road map at the same time.
ALPONIUM (al po’ nee um) n. (chemical symbol: Ap) Initial blast of odor upon opening a can of dog food.
ANTALIXIC (ant a lik’ sik) n. One who passes over licorice jellybeans.
AQUADEXTROUS (ak wa deks’ trus) adj. Possessing the ability to turn the bathtub faucet on and off with your toes.
AQUALIBRIUM (ak wa lib’ re um) n. The point where the stream of drinking fountain water is at its perfect height, thus relieving the drinker from (a) having to suck the nozzle, or (b) squirting himself in the eye.
B+STAMPEDE (bee’ plus stam peed’) n. The attempt by half the classroom to claim the paper with no name on it.
BACKSPACKLE (bak’ spak uhl) n. Markings on the back of one’s shirt from riding a fenderless bicycle.
BACKSPUBBLE (bak’ spuh bul)n. Dishwater that disappears down one drain of a double sink and comes up the other.
BALDAGE (bald’ aj) n. The accumulation of hair in the drain after showering.
BANECTOMY (bah nek’ to mee) n. The removal of bruises on a banana.
BARGARCS (bar’ jarks) n. The streaks on a car’s windshield from faulty wipers.
BATHQUAKE (bath’ kwake)n. The violent quake that rattles the entire house when the water faucet is turned to a certain point.
BAZOOKACIDALTENDENCIES (bah zew’ kuh sy dal ten’ den seez) n. The overwhelming desire of most individuals to reach out and pop the gigantic gum bubble billowing from someone’s mouth.
BEAVO (bee’ vo) n. A pencil with teeth marks all over it.
BIZOOS (bih zews’) n. The millions of tiny individual bumps that make up a basketball.
BLIBULA (blih’ byu luh) n. The spot on a dog’s stomach which, when rubbed, causes his leg to rotate wildly.
BLITHWAPPING (blith’ wap ing) v. Using anything but a hammer to hammer a nail into the wall, such as shoes, lamp bases, doorstops, etc.
BLOOAGE (blew’ ij) n. The residue left on fingers after using an S.O.S. pad.
BLURFLE (bler’ ful) v. To be caught talking at the top of one’s lungs when the music at the bar or disco suddenly stops.
BOVILEXIA (bo vil eks’ e uh) n. The uncontrollable urge to lean out the car window and yell “Moo!!” every time you pass a cow.
BRAZEL (brah’ zul) n. The scratch plate on a matchbook.
BUBBLIC (buh’ blik) adj. Addicted to the systematic popping of the bubbles in packing material.
BUCKLINT (buck’ lint) n. The fine red and blue threads running through new dollar bills.
BURBULATION (ber byu lay’ shun) n. The obsessive act of opening and closing a refrigerator door in an attempt to catch it before the little automatic light comes on.
BURGACIDE (burg’ uh side) n. When a hamburger can’t take any more torture and hurls itself through the grill into the coals.
BUSBLENDER (bus’ blen dur) n. The device at the front of the bus that tosses your fare around for a while, then swallows it.
BUTTNICK (but’ nik) n. The crevice on an ashtray where the cigarette rests.
BUZZACKS (buz’ aks) n. People in phone marts who walk around picking up display phones and listening for dial tones even when they know the phones are not connected.
CABNICREEP (kab’ nih kreep) n. The structural condition in which the closing of one kitchen cabinet causes another to open.
CALTITUDE (kal’ tih tood) n. The height to which a cat’s rear end can rise to meet the hand stroking it.
CARPERPETUATION (kar’ pur pet u a shun) n. The act, when vacuuming, of running over a string or a piece of lint at least a dozen times, reaching over and picking it up, examining it, then putting it back down to give the vacuum one more chance.
CELLOSTATIC (sel oh stat’ ik) adj. The electrical property of cracker and cigarette wrappers that causes them to stick to your hand.
CHAIN GANG WALK (chayn gang wok) n. Activity observed in the footwear section of cheap department stores where the shoes are wired together “for your convenience.”
CHECKUARY (chek’ yew air ee) n. The thirteenth month of the year. Begins New Year’s Day & ends when a person stops absentmindedly writing the old year on his/her checks.
CHEERIOMAGNETIZATION (cheer ee oh mag net i zay’ shun) n. The tendency of the last four or five Cheerios in the bowl to cling together for survival.
CHOCONIVEROUS (chahk o niv’ ur us) adj. The tendency when eating a chocolate Easter bunny to bite off the head first.
CHUBBLE (chuh’ bul) n. The aerobic movement combining deep-knee bends and sideways hops used when trying to fit into panty hose.
CLUMFERT (klum’ furt) n. The invisible extra step at the top and bottom of a staircase. Usually materializes when one is carrying a large bag of groceries.
..and tease me because I don’t have unlimited comments?? Your’s only allow 5,000 characters. I would have given you the whole dictionary. Damn you.