Family
Today I picked up Norman PhartEphant™ and moved him, since he was in my chair. I gave his tail a squeeze and started my day with a smile. Okay, I squeezed it a couple of times because there is one phart in particular that makes me snort. When someone sent Norm to us to review, I had no idea how to approach it, and had a few minutes of THANKS A LOT FOR BRINGING THIS INTO MY HOUSEHOLD before unboxing him and welcoming him into the family. It’s not his fault, really. He is an African elephant that was adopted by a US zoo. The dietary changes in the transition caused unexpected gastric effects. But he is polite and apologizes on occasion. Kids just don’t know how to play with him. They hold down the pharter in his tail for one long, continuous phart, and I mean loooong, like more than a minute. That would make anyone get up, leave the room, and check his shorts. I’m slowly falling in love with him.
In other news, we went to the pediatrician to see about a wart one of the children has. It’s got its own mailbox and has been asking for the keys to the car, and I think it’s time for Mr. Wart to be on his way. At first we were hoping to get our usual doc, who said to come by and he’d put some beetle juice on it. Seriously, look it up. (phaart!) He was out, so another doc said he’d be happy to use liquid nitrogen instead as he was more familiar with it. What, more familiar than with toxin secreted by blister beetles? Okay, we’ll try that.
While we were chatting the doctor asked if I’d tried duct tape. Quoi? DUCT TAPE? “Yes, you can cut out a little circle of duct tape, put it on the wart, and leave it there for six days. Take it off for one, and then put another on for six. Six on, one off. Takes longer, but…” he shrugged.
“Just how much is this nitrogen treatment? As opposed to the beetle juice?” Not to mention the duct tape, of which I have rolls and rolls that get in my way every time I’m looking for a picture hook in the junk drawer. WHY DID I NOT KNOW THAT DUCT TAPE CAN REMOVE WARTS?
“I could look it up for you, but in general, removal of fewer than fourteen warts is the same rate.” Of course it is. Because they come in Baker’s Dozens and if you have more than one dozen they get you with the second tier pricing.
“What I mean is, if this is expensive, and duct tape is $2.99, I’d like to know now.”
“It depends on what your insurance will pay, but of course we can look it up before doing anything.”
“I’m just a little skittish these days. You see, my daughter and I have had Fifth Disease, and the blood work to figure that out cost $3,000. And for three stitches in this thumb? $3,000. It’s like everything less cumbersome than fourteen warts runs three grand, and a surprisingly small portion of that is covered. I’ve got bills going to collection you would not believe.”
“How much does it bother you? Duct tape is fine, it just takes longer.” My child looked at me with pleading eyes, eyes that said, don’t make me wear duct tape for six days on and one day off and six days on and one day off until this thing is gone. It’s bad enough that Mr. Wart tries to steal my lunch and bothers my classmates, can we please just get this over with, pleasepleaseplease?
I said, “Let’s freeze this sucker off.”
“Right.” And the doctor went off to find his little bio hazard canister so he could spray my baby’s hand with a substance kept between -346°F and -320.44°F. He sprayed it once, and then waited for it to return to room temperature to apply it once more.
“Is it cold?” I touched it and sure enough, it was icy. I pictured Mr. Wart caught in a flash-frozen chamber with his hands on the glass and a surprised look on his face.
Of course then everyone wanted to try. “Can I touch it?”
“No!”
“Why not?”
“No!”
“Hon, let me give you some advice: just let him touch it and he will STOP ASKING.” I know that is going to come back to bite me someday. Jesus, Mary, and the guy she dated first.
This morning, it’s swollen up to a huge blood blister that we hope will pop and make it all go away. Until it grows back that is, but by then I’m hoping to have insurance that doesn’t suck.
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06.04.09 at 10:19 AM |
LOL I totally want a Norman!
And as far as the wart, man can I relate! When I was younger I had a big ol’ one on my finger too. They cut it out, froze it off, etc. but it always came back. (it had its own zip code!) Eventually (and this sounds DISGUSTING) the only thing that worked (get ready to gag) was I would pick at it. It hurt, but each day I’d pick a little bit of it off. Looked like picked over califlower before it was fully gone… but it never came back again.
Geez, I really hope you weren’t eating lunch when you read that.
06.04.09 at 11:39 AM |
we used duct tape on our daughter’s toe, after having tried other otc wart removers that didn’t work at all. the duct tape was on about a week total, though we had to change it a few times, and the wart fell out!
i had tons of plantars warts on my feet in high school and ended up having multiple freezing treatments. the doc said that the key was killing the main one and then the other ones would go away (kinda like the vampires in Lost Boys), and the main one wasn’t necessarily the largest one (which in my case was one in my heel that ran more than an inch deep). I didn’t get blood blisters from the treatment, they would just turn black and then fall out. The actual treatment hurt like hell!!! Doc had to use a needle to inject the liquid nitrogen *into* the warts. I always got the next day off school though, which was nice.
I also had one on my palm in my late teens/early 20s, and got rid of that using jennifer’s treatment: pick at it, constantly.
I hope your lil’ one’s falls out soon and doesn’t come back!
06.04.09 at 01:12 PM |
Hey girl! Hopefully this one time will have to take care of it. After FIVE times of going to the damn doctor to get my little one’s frozen off (yes, they froze it every time) and FIVE $25 co-pays I went to the grocery store and bought the freezing solution that is the same as the doctor’s. It’s supposed to take only one application. I have eleven applications left and they are almost gone. I think it will only take one more. And it only cost me $13!! So much for my $125. When my friend was in college and didn’t have money to get rid of the plantar wart on her foot her doctor told her to use that stuff. Then, use a razor to shave off the wart after a few weeks (it’s dead skin so it doesn’t hurt). I’m not a doctor, and we haven’t had to do that to my little one’s, but if it’s that stubborn you might try doing that as well.
06.05.09 at 08:32 AM |
The duct tape totally works, it just takes a couple of weeks. My oldest daughter’s boyfriend had a wart and I happened to notice the tape and asked him about it. So every time he was over at the house, we got an update on Melville (yes, he named it. Why not?). Eventually Melville suffocated and fell off and the skin on the finger where the wart was looks as if Melville had never been there. Of course, I don’t know if he actually suffocated or if something in the tape killed it, or what happened, but he bailed. And they all lived happily ever after.
Oh and oddly enough, I think Norman would find himself quite comfy here at the asylum. The giggles alone are going to make it worth the cost! Of course, this is coming from the woman who just bought her 3 year old an entire set of plush stuffed viruses! So a farting elephant won’t be out of place around here.
06.05.09 at 09:34 PM |
OK freezing the HURTS so your kid is brave. And it doesn’t always work. I just did the duct tape solution for my son’s scary feet and it was magical. I will never freeze them again, this was easy and painless (and CHEAP). My doc said to jumpstart it with the OTC wart remover, then put the tape on.
06.09.09 at 05:57 AM |
Oh boy that was hilarious- I need to come and read your blog more often, really. It makes my day almost every time :)
I had a tiny wart frozen off using that liquid nitrogen stuff a little while ago too and it was very strange how it blistered up like you described- but was just so much more worth while than messing around with alternative remedies as it killed the little wart before it knew what was coming- seriously, all gone!
As for the farting elephant, I’d say my family’s best not knowing that one exists! Haha