TheMommyBlog

Saturday, December 20, 2008 Our Holiday Curse, Family

Last night, I celebrated the first day of winter break at the emergency room, courtesy of my Rabbit wine opener. It has a stubborn mechanism and you have to pull and then push a little harder to get the cork out. The handle snapped off and sliced open my thumb from knuckle to knuckle. Give yourself a thumbs-up. There you go! Now, bend your thumb toward your pinky. See where it creases? That’s where the first stitch went. Good Lord A-mighty. Makes typing fun too, but as long as I stay away from the space bar I’ll be fine.

So, after pulling the wound open and seeing another layer of tissue in there, I called my ex. “Can you come over? I need stitches and the pizza guy’s coming.” WHOOSH. I love that. When one of us needs something, the other drops everything no matter how irritated we are with each other. Meanwhile, my son was gaping at the wound, asking, “Doesn’t it hurt? Why aren’t you screaming or crying?”

“Well, you’ve got to know these things when you get to be Mom. Stiff upper lip and all that.”

“I’d be on the floor, yelling.”

“Well, I’ve got to drive myself to the hospital so it’s best to remain calm. Dad’s on his way, there’s your spaghetti and meatballs, and a pizza’s coming for the rest of you.”

Daphne begged to come with me, since she’s an old hand at stitches, don’tcha know, and will watch over me. Or ask me to read a book to her the entire time we’re waiting in the ER. Whichever. As we walked out the door, Daddy came with us, saying, “We’ll be back soon!” I thought he was teasing the boys. Then I noticed his car was still running.

“Dude, what are you doing? I called so you could hang with the kids.”

“Oh! I thought you needed me to drive you! When you said stitches, I pictured blood spouting everywhere.”

“That’s what paper towels are for. No, I’m fine, go back inside. But first turn off your car.” And then we were laughing and muttering.

Guard #1: Right, we’ll stay here until you get back.
King of Swamp Castle: And make sure he doesn’t leave.
Guard #1: What?
King of Swamp Castle: Make sure he doesn’t leave.
Guard #1: The prince?
King of Swamp Castle: Yes, make sure he doesn’t leave.
Guard #1: Oh, yes, of course.
[Points at Guard #2]
Guard #1: I thought you meant him. You know, it seemed a bit daft me I were to guard him when he’s a guard.
King of Swamp Castle: Is that clear?
Guard #2: [hiccups]
Guard #1: Oh, quite clear. No problems.
King of Swamp Castle: Right.
[King of Swamp Castle turns to leave the room, both guards follow him]
King of Swamp Castle: Where are you going?
Guard #1: We’re coming with you.
King of Swamp Castle: No, no, no. I want you to stay here and make sure *he* doesn’t leave.
Guard #1: Oh, I see. Right.

At the hospital, Daphne was a champ, cracking me up and making faces every time I had to show someone my hand. When the intake nurse remembered her from her own visit and remembered she’d been very brave, Daphne was soooo proud.

Every time someone asked how it happened, the story ended with “...and he’s probably drinking your wine right now.” Five stitches later we’re on our way in a record hour and fifteen. And sure enough, half the bottle was gone.

“But I poured from the one that was already open!”

“Yes, I did manage to get the cork out.” [crowd: “...and I’ve got the scars to prove it!” *rimshot*]

“Oh, sorry.”

I opened the pizza box. Half gone. Blast!

Well, I suppose I’ll get out of dishes and cooking prep today, because I can’t get the wound wet. Did I mention that we’re having thirteen for dinner?