FamilyI am sitting in the bar at Wolfgang Puck’s, waiting for my step dad to land and mom to pick us up on the way to the funeral home. I just got the call I’ve been waiting for and now know to stay put until one finds me and we go to meet the other (oops—he just called one terminal away so I will type fast).
When I said where I was, mom was all, great, you’ll be drunk before the wake, and I was all, not the way you drive, and she was all, look up the funeral home address so we can put it into the GPS, and I was all because you don’t know your way around, and she was all, we get to stay at Aunt’s L’s tonight which is good for you because you were going to be sleeping on the floor in my apartment in Gary, IN, and I was all yippee because you know how I hate Gary, and she was all okay I’m hanging up now, and I was all okay, screw you too!
God, I love coming home.
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My son was in the same room as me when I was getting dressed one day. I scratched the top of my left breast a little and he said, “Mommy, you are touching your —-!”
I said to him, “I just have an itch,” to which he responded, “That’s *your* excuse!”
Jet, 4
Jax: Mommy, here’s a little piece of toilet paper to wipe the tip.
Mommy: The tip of what?
Jax: Your penis.
Jax, 3
After being told to go outside and pick up the dog poop, he goes outside, whines and complains. He comes back in and says, “Mom, I think the dog over-pooped.”
Luke, 8
When I woke up one morning with a sore throat, raspy voice, and fever, my three-year-old, Emilie, asked me what was wrong. I said, “Mama has a cold…” and she felt my cheek for a minute before saying, “No. You has a hot!”
Emilie, 3
Do you know how I memorized 2 x 11? I have this fake pencil in my brain, and it writes down the multiplication!!
Hugo, 6
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01.24.06 at 03:20 PM |
Putting the fun in dysfunction?
Mine does well with that too.
Take care of yourself, Girlie.
Lily B.
01.25.06 at 10:43 AM |
Hell, go for the drink. The family will find you.
I can’t believe that she’s making you sleep on the floor.
01.25.06 at 12:22 PM |
Crap, I never go to a wake Sober. Especially if it’s a family event! Hell, that calls for the crack pipe…
Also, have you seen “The Family Stone?” I haven’t laughed that hard since Spongebob ripped his pants.