Me, Me, MeWhen autographing books with lipstick kisses, make sure you don’t leave a coffee mustache.
FamilyWednesday. Hump day. The day we switch to Daddy’s house. Also? Sharing day.
Sharing day has a new twist: bring your sharable in a brown paper bag and write three clues on the outside so that the class can try to guess what’s inside.
Jesus wept.
So, this morning we remembered it was Sharing day at 8:08, and they have to be in their seats at 8:10 but aren’t late until 8:15. Not a lot of wiggle room. Crap. “Dylan, just run out to the car and get buckled. I’ll get your sharing!”
“But Mom! It has to be special!”
“Oh, it will be!” I snatched a bag and a pen and pelted for the door.
On the road, I said, “Okay, how about this? The three clues will be:
- We need it to live.
- You can only feel it on windy days.
- You can see through it.”
“But what’s that, Mom?”
“Air!” Silence. “Isn’t that brilliant?”
“Mom, it’s supposed to be something special.”
“Air is special. Come on, you need it to live. How much more special can you get?”
Logan propped me up. “Yeah, just TRY to live without it.”
“Yes—if they complain, ask them to do without it for a few minutes and see if it doesn’t feel special then.”
“Yeah, make them all hold their breath. Heh.”
“I think it will suddenly seem very special.”
Mom of the Year.
Me, Me, MeDo y’all have ANY idea where I’ll be Saturday night?
I’ll give you a hint, quoth the Raven.
“Animal House” and Otis Day & The Knights - a screening of the classic John Belushi movie and a rare live performance by Otis Day. 18 and older, toga encouraged. Movie: 7:30pm, Otis: 9:30pm. $35-$55. Advance tickets are $10 off and available at Toyon Books, The Bear Republic, and Last Record Store. At the Raven Theater, 115 North St., Healdsburg. 578-5527. Tickets and info at http://www.raventheater.org.
Oh, yeah. That’s right, baby. I have two more pieces of information that might clue you into how much fun we expect to have:
- We’re going with the man who inspired the character “Otter” in Animal House. And yes, the story about the dean’s wife is true.
- Phil is an honorary Delta. Code name: Cossack (for his chef’s hat).
Some of you may be too young to remember the Deltas, or too cultured, but I gotta tell ya, I was damned impressed and overjoyed to meet this wonderful man and his wife and child. Phil used to be drinking buddies with this lovely lady, and now look at them. Legends. Or at least we all thought er were that night we stayed up till three singing Karaoke at their mountain vineyard.
Wow—I just heard that the man who wrote the film, Chris Miller, will be there. I asked Phil if we had a room, and he replied that it’s bad luck to get a hotel room before a toga party. And, oh no, I am reading that only prostitutes and women of ill repute wore togas. Wonder what the difference was? The prostitutes were savvy enough to charge? Haaaaaaaaaa.
Wait—did they have pockets?
Pray for me.
Family“Mama! We went to see Happy Feet with our cousins!”
“Well, are your feet happy now?”
“For goodness sakes! Yes!”
Me, Me, MeRight now, as of this moment, who is getting the best you have to offer? Your boss? Your better half? Your child? Your pillow? Yourself?
It’s a good question, isn’t it? I ask myself that all the time, though it is a little crazy-making. I do it so that I can try to keep the most important and urgent things on my immediate radar, and let the others marinate until they move up the queue.
Notice that I said important and urgent. It’s a fine art. I can do urgent, and I can do important, but I’m really good at urgent. Urgent, however, may be finding out if that guy in the movie is really the same actor who played whatsisface in a different movie. Its importance is debatable, but I’ll be wondering about it obsessively until I know for sure. Unless it’s the new Bond, in which case I don’t care what his name is or where I’ve seen him before; I’m happy just to be there.
Yesterday I tried something new and bumped myself up the list. I sat and read a lot. I encouraged the kids to bust out their mad toaster skillz and get their own breakfasts. I didn’t jump up and drive to Daddy’s so Annikin could have the proper belt for his tunic. I didn’t run out and get a Slurpee even though one of my children almost expired pining for it. And I sure as shit didn’t move my daughter’s bed over by the windows and her two-ton dresser over to the wall. First you have to sleep in it for a month straight, and then give me a call.
I find I can give my best to lots of people in short bursts. It may be scattershot but sometimes it’s just enough. Some things only take a minute: a reply to an email, a post for another site (oh, crap, that reminds me: I’m late on the Intel Blogger Challenge), or a line of copy for work. And if I can switch the laundry in between, I’ve had a pretty productive thirty minutes.
But for the next hour, I’m going back to my comfy yellow chair to finish the novel I was reading yesterday and hope that the UPS guy shows up with my big box of books so I can sign ‘em and ship ‘em out! (Thanks, everyone, who’s placed an order for I'll get to everyone in turn
Family“If there’s crying, it’s not fun!”
UN Category: Conservative Democracy
Civil Rights: Few
Economy: Strong
Political Freedoms: Superb
Location: the South Pacific
The Republic of Mommyipeedabed is a tiny, pleasant nation, notable for its compulsory military service. Its hard-nosed, hard-working, intelligent population of 5 million are known throughout the region for their efficiency and work ethic, as well as their general suspicion of leisure.
The large government juggles the competing demands of Law & Order, Education, and Healthcare. The average income tax rate is 18%. A powerhouse of a private sector is led by the Pizza Delivery, Uranium Mining, and Soda Sales industries.
Crime—especially youth-related—is relatively low, thanks to the all-pervasive police force and progressive social policies in education and welfare. Mommyipeedabed’s national animal is the monkey and its currency is the goldfish cracker.
The large government juggles the competing demands of Social Welfare, Healthcare, and Education. Citizens pay a flat income tax of 19%. A robust private sector is led by the Pizza Delivery, Trout Farming, and Uranium Mining industries.
Crime is moderate. Mommyipeedabad’s national animal is the monkey and its currency is the goldfish cracker.
Familykids gone
prep stuffing
dinner phil
crouching tiger
filet and crab
fishy morning kitchen
slept late
late for brunch mom’s house
eggs bacon bagels coffee orange juice lemon pancakes
lazy loungy lethargy lengthy ladidah
turkey roasting
potatoes mashing not yukon but still yummy
roasted garlic two cloves
drunken carrots crispy brussels
wine wine wine old as my nice smooth till the sediment
more wine laughter
pie pie whipped cream coffee
slow decent to sleepiness
hugs goodbye let’s see a movie before you leave town
hidden dragon
Dylan whirling spinning weaving green destiny
kids playing holding hands cousins rediscovered
work work work nap
casino royale with cheesy joke topping
waiter remembering original with Peter Sellers or somesuch
hamachi hat trick and mongolian filet
can’t wait to wait in line for gelato
home check email blog
dip into amaretto almond snickelicious cuddled under blanket too sleepy to stay up
FamilyThe children are going to visit family in Phoenix tomorrow. They’ll only be gone four days, but over the holidays that tends to feel like seven or eight, doesn’t it? *
Who’s going to fight over the whipped cream can? Who’s going to sit in Grandma’s lap, begging for the next shot directly down the throat? Who’s going to carry pumpkin pie slices way up high like a waitress to everyone who wants one? Who’s going to refuse to eat anything on the table except mashed potatoes?
Bah.
I don’t envy them the trip, though. They are going to drive to L.A. from San Jose, and then get on a plane to Phoenix that evening. Think that’s bad? Imagine the reverse. Yes, thank you…. coming down from days with the cousins and getting spoiled rotten and eating candy and pie only to get on a plane, land, take a shuttle to the car, and then drive another 500 miles home. Pass the hemlock, please.
Me? I’ll be working all day tomorrow (being one of only two Americans in the office) and then seeing what Phil and my mom come up with for the big menu. You should see the two of them together. Mom is an Adventure Cook, ready to try any fun new thing with the turkey. Phil saw something on the Food Network about using several small turkeys instead of one. I think if I join in it will be too crowded. They just need me to make the gravy. *sigh*
Anyway, have a great Thanksgiving, everyone! I’ll be enjoying my three turkeys, while my three little poults are off roasting in Phoenix.
Fun FindsWith just two days left with the kids before they go to Arizona to visit their dad’s familly for the holiday, I’ve been gathering together all the books I’ve been wanting to read but haven’t because of the noise and chores. Well, I’m sorry, Chores, because you are going to be sorely neglected this coming week.
Not only did I finish The Five People You Meet in Heaven last night, but I have two more waiting on Islamic terror, plus a not-yet released book by—get this—a mom who moves to London with her husband only to wind up single with three children. In addition, my favorite author came out with a new novel. Whee!
To top it off, a fellow blogger has published her own book that sounds fantastic. Lisa Wilde and Phil had been corresponding for a while about the publishing process and only just now realized the connection to me, so she sent me to her new book, My Family Jungle:
Join Lisa who is Irish, her Basque serial dieting husband, their three sons Jack, Luke and Junior and their one eyed dog Kizzy on their relocation from Ireland to San Sebastian and onto the French side of Le Pays Basque.
I got three sentences into the quotes on the back and bought a copy. All the quotes were from her family; I was really started to appreciate her style:
“The book of the Century, I can’t read but it looks lovely.” — Junior Wilde, Age 3
“You’re so cool mom, which apple am I?” — Luke WIlde, Age 5
“I was mortified.” — John Wilde, Teenager
FamilyWhen I posted about the hilarious TUL ad featuring Graphology analysis by Dr. Ackerman a while back, the response was very funny. Everyone wrote with their “results” and we laaaaughed at their theretofore unrecognized neuroses as identified by the insightful Dr. Ackerman. That was pure fun.
And then, a very nice person from Office Max wrote and said that she loved the thread:
Dear Mindy,
I’m so please that you enjoyed the TUL website from OfficeMax and DDB. Not only do we appreciate your eye for our mainline campaigns and products, our sources tell us that you are quite the critic of children’s products. In the In the spirit of an early holiday season, I’d like to send you a sample of a new children’s product special to OfficeMax for the holidays.
I said sure, if we like it I’ll mention it and let them know that you’ve offered a discount to The Mommy Blog readers through the holidays.
Ooh! Update! 50% off!
That is fantastic! I am so happy they’re getting great mileage out of it. And I love the photo! As far as a special discount, please see the attached. Any customer who has this coupon or even just mentions where (your blog) they saw the discount qualifies for it any of the OfficeMax stores countrywide.
Oh. My. God.
This absolutely huge package arrived the other day while I was on the phone—the mail man had to help me bump it up and over the threshold. The kids fluttered around it, but I said that we couldn’t open it until they came back from Dad’s on Friday because otherwise they’d never get ready for school. So yesterday, I unpacked it, flipped it open, put it in the living room and didn’t say a word.
I couldn’t peel the kids off it all night. They ate dinner next to it. They cooperated. They complimented the construction, saying that it was great that two kids could draw on it at the same time without bothering each other. If there was one at the chalkboarad, the other two would hunker down with dry erase makers at the white board. And may I say, these markers have changed one of our major house rules; that is, that the kids may not ever touch a dry erase marker.
These have an eraser built into the cap. Duh. All those years of insisting they not use mine because they always lose the erasers and won’t learn to use a paper towel—a chimp could figure this out: use markers anywhere but on the funiture, clean up afterward and there won’t be a beating. Jeez.
Anyway, I had to snap this photo before they wake up and erase what they did last night. Details in the Flickr notes.
Family*Opens one side of trenchcoat to reveal rack… of books*
I made a nifty little shopping cart with options for special requests and everything, so you can purchase an autographed copy right here ont this site. AND, It’s cheaper than on Amazon!
*hikes up sans-a-belts*
Me, Me, MeI swear that I am the planet’s A-Number-One Magnet for Jehovah’s Witnesses. They knock on my door within one week of my moving into a new house. They find me in the mall, in a crowd, pretending to be talking on my phone, only I’m holding my keys to my ear, and call me out while thrusting pamphlets into my hands. If I’m in the office on a weekend or late, *I* am the one to open the door for the seemingly lost little old ladies handing out Watchtowers.
It’s enough to make me never move or change jobs again.
See, I know from Jehovah’s Witnesses. I’ve read more Watchtowers than I’d like to admit. I was once married to a Jehovah’s Witness. There. You have it. Everything you need to stop reading. I may as well add that I was born in Ohio, wore a brown and grey plaid school uniform, had Farrah hair, and was married twice by the age of 24. Go on. Find a new home. I’ll just close up shop.
I’m a tolerant gal. I read up because I wanted to know what it was all about so that I could understand my husband and his family, and to a lesser degree, his friends. Most of his friends were lapsed or disfellowshipped, which means they didn’t want to play by all the rules. This usually meant that they didn’t want to save themselves for marriage, but once married, were cleared to come back to the fold.
After all, that’s what my wasband did. He was thrown out for sleeping with a girlfriend, and didn’t go back or appear interested in going back, until we were married. Hey, what’s the point? You’re now free to have sex and move about the cabin. That’s when I started hearing about a husband’s “Biblical right” to sex, which is a whole other bag of beans we don’t even want to locate, let along peek into.
Anywho, I had a foolproof way of getting out of conversations to those out Witnessing. I have a hard time just cutting people off, but I now pack a repertoire of hard and fast expressions to get people off my doorstep and down the walk.
If a JW comes by, I shake my head sadly, apologize, and explain that I have been disfellowshipped. Then, they can’t talk to you! Only an Elder can, and then only if you’re making your way back on hands and knees. Once, though, I got an extra-friendly fellow who wanted to coach me back into the fold. I said that I was too bitter and heartbroken and just not ready. *closes door firmly*
If a salesman or “Communications major” comes by, I tell them that I have just lost my job and that all purchases/donations are on hold. If they say, well, what about your husband? I pull my children closer, look at my feet, and say, I don’t have a husband. That usually gets them scooting.
It’s harder when people are soliciting donations or selling things for school. Occasionally, I’ll say that I’d already donated to my own child’s campaign (which is usually true, with three of them). If they persist with the but-you-are-still-fortunate-look-at-your-house bit, I’ll inform them that I work in philanthropic compliance and would need to see a copy of their tax determination letter stating that the organization they are soliciting for is a 501(c)(3) public charity, and that they are not a private foundation as described in IRC Section 509(a)(1). I feel a little bad about that one sometimes, especially if they look crestfallen. Then I explain that I make (or used to make) grants all day long for a living, and used the avenues available to me there. Not to mention that I consider the thirteen years I spent working in the non-profit sector something of a charitable donation.
Anyway, I was the only one in the office this week when the sweet little old ladies came by. They were very soft-spoken and did not ask to come in or engage in conversation. I just smiled, thanked them for the pamphlets, assured them that I would give them to the owners as soon as they arrived, and locked the door.
I haven’t looked at the titles yet, because I’m sure I’ll start reading everything. I’m pretty sure, however, that it’s not the one my ex-mother-in-law used to leave on her coffee table, entitled, “Should I Yoke Myself To An Unbeliever?”
Family...both of them.
(Thanks, Dad and Phil.)
The upside is that you can request autographed copies now that I have a tiny inventory! Be sure to use the contact form and note any special requests when placing an order, please!
Me, Me, MeHi all,
In the nearly five years I’ve been writing this blog, I have sent out exactly three email announcements to registered members. If you do not wish to receive any further email from me, please log in, go to Member Preferences, and uncheck the box next to “Accept email from site administrators.” There are almost one thousand members, so it’s difficult for me to hunt through them and change preferences for a few!
I may send one more out when my company’s site emerges from beta and opens membership up. If getting an invite from me will make your head pop, change those preferences now!
Love and sprinkles,
Mindy
I write. A lot. I wrote a book
I'm on Momversation.com Hire me for web and graphic design I made some free WordPress Party Themes I like Tenderness and Grace My Latest Videos My Latest Press
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