TheMommyBlog

Saturday, September 04, 2010 Family, QOTD

Guy and I were just sitting in line at the car wash, staring at nothing, when we noticed that the sixties throwback two cars ahead of us had gotten bored and decided to check a few things on his gold on black 1969 Mercury Cougar. He sauntered around the back, contemplated the tires, handlebar mustache glistening in the sun. His belt buckle reflected off the chrome.

He decided to test out his souped-up shocks. 

He stopped and pushed down on each rear fender like a mattress salesman during a Labor Day Weekend sale at Sleeptrain. Satisfied, he circled back around to the driver’s seat and waited his turn in line, no doubt needing to refuel on the way out.

Guy caught me staring and said, “Yep, that’s what’s out there. Remember that next time I’m getting’ on your nerves.” 

Thursday, September 02, 2010 Family, QOTD

Back to School Night, fifth grade classroom:

Me: Hey! It’s great to see our boys are in the same class this year! We’ll have to set up reciprocal play dates. Or play weeks. Whatever.

Her: Yup. We got each other’s back.

Me: Oh, I’m probably moving to Scotts Valley, though, could tomorrow maybe, I think.

Another mom, overhearing: That sounds…cavalier.

Me: Yeah, well, that’s how I roll.

I’m serious, people. If I like this house we look at this afternoon, I will whip out a pen and some cash and rent it on the spot. It has five bedrooms, a pool, hot tub, basketball net in the driveway, a park down the street, and TWO FLOORS. That means Separation of Adults and Kids. Maybe. Sometimes. Oh how I long for everyone to have their own rooms, even me.

Sure, I’ll have to vacuum it, but it’s better than living with construction and paying a fortune in storage.  The real challenge will be juggling six children. See above: the pool. Have to wear those puppies out.

Pop quiz: why put beige wall-to-wall carpet in the only entry room from the pool? Anyone? Anyone?

Wednesday, September 01, 2010 QOTD

Logan: Mom, I just misspelled “achievement.”

Me: Um, I wouldn’t put that in your resume.

Logan: The resume is already done.

Me: God job, then.

And just now, reading over my shoulder: “What are you, a Joketologist?”

Saturday, August 28, 2010 QOTD

Doctor, peering through otoscope: “An ear infection? Really? You’re too old to have ear infections.”

Me: “Yes. Thank you.”

So it’s a good thing the owner pulled out of our leasing contract after we signed because, hey, who wants to pack with an earache and sinuses full of hot, wet cement? (Pointing thumbs at chest) “Not this guy!”

Friday, August 27, 2010 Bad Mood Dude

But I might today.

This weird cold has been going around my family, and I was up all night with a raging earache (where was my frazzled mom, rocking me back to sleep while trying to drip Motrin down my throat??). It’s messing with my balance and I don’t even want to TALK about the ride over the mountains on curvy ole Hwy 17 this morning.

And now? Everyone’s voice is vibrating. Everyone’s. So I know it’s my wonky ear. Everyone sounds like the rabbit doll in “The Last Mimzy.”

“Miiimmmmmzyyy.”

Also? I broke my coffee carafe today. I was so pissed I tried to throw the whole machine in the trash and it didn’t fit. Stamped my feet a lot. And then I broke the teapot lid when I tried to boil water it to make a single cup with a filter. Only the the filters were non-porous or something so the grounds kept overflowing into the coffee and I had to pour it back and forth fifty times like a retarded science experiment.

So, I got my lousy 1/3 cup and am going back to bed. Right after I explain to my daughter (who is also home sick) that I will not be writing out words for her so she can practice her cursive. She can go to school for that. WE’RE SICK HERE, GIRL, LET IT GO.