TheMommyBlog

I hear ya.  I don’t think you’re far off the mark.

I love my kids, too, but having them takes a lot. of. energy.  They’re just built that way.  And an easy way to give me a treat is to offer to entertain the kids for a while, away from me / home.

Can he just switch to a different weekend?  I know it isn’t that simple, but the holiday, to me is rather arbitrary.  Somebody decided June would be a good time to send dads cards for Fathers day.  And May for mothers day.  And somewhere there’s bosses day, grandparents day, gardeners day, and dental hygienist appreciation week, I think.  I bet I’m overlooking someone.

If he can’t do it for you, and he can’t I guess, it would seem like the KIDS would want to commemorate Father’s Day with their father.
I also don’t think Father’s Day is as loaded with resentment as Mother’s Day is. I, too, gritted my teeth through Mother’s day when the kids were little. I always got so much done on Sunday with Dad home-laundry, shopping, organizing the coming week. On Mother’s Day I was cooked breakfast and told to take the day off. But, no one did the laundry or shopped, so the day after Mother’s Day was always hell day, and the week never quite got on track.
This will sound trite and unsupportive, I suspect, but focus on the positive, that you were able to rely on him when you absolutely needed to these past few weeks. Consider releasing the resentment as a gift to him-and to you

I read this and I think it’s a good thing that my ex lives 7 hours away and doesn’t really coparent our son at all. But that’s not how I really feel. This year my mother acknowledged my mother’s day, and my husband did, and he also brought Ty to the store to pick out a card for me, reminded him the night before…and that day at 4 in the afternoon I stood in the kitchen by myself while he lounged on the couch watching teevee and playing pocket pool, and yelled “Happy Mother’s Day!”

Just exactly like I did four days earlier on my birthday. Gawd. What kills me is that I’ve shown him by example much, much better than that. I could brain him.

Maybe you just suck it up for this year…and start planning your get-away for next Mother’s Day now. Maybe a trip where you leave around noon on Mother’s Day and stay away for 3 workdays…so you spend a little time with the kids, and then off you go!

Hmmm….my ex and I have been apart for six years now, and for some strange reason, Mother’s Day always falls on the weekend he has the kids. 

Could I ask to switch it?  Yep - but I don’t, for many of the reasons you already cite.  Does it feel a bit strange? Only the first year - now, it’s my favorite way to celebrate the holiday, to be honest (my custody arrangement means I have the kids 80% of the time; I don’t feel like I’m ‘missing out’ on anything as a result.)

To be honest, I don’t remember what we’ve done in the past about Father’s Day - sometimes, he’s already had the kids.  Sometimes, they’ve gone over there, but just for the day itself.  And other times, I think we’ve just called.

I don’t think either one of us ever feels as if we’ve gotten the short end of the stick, or that the other parent hasn’t done ‘what’s expected.’  But I also believe we’re both just not wired to attach a lot of signficance to just where the kids are on any given holiday (although we adjust the schedule each year so that my Jewish ex-husband can have his kids at Christmas - go figure!)

So I’m going to respectfully come down on the side that says let him go and let it go.  And as far as wanting alone time on Mother’s Day?  I’d save playing that ‘can you do this?’ card for when you really need it - sickness, travel, family emergencies, etc. - and look at hiring a sitter instead.

While I’m still married to my 1st husband (for now), my neighbor has been telling me some of her horror stories regarding this subject, and although she hasn’t solved the problem any better than you have (other than to just suck it up), I can at least let you know that someone else has it as bad, if not worse than you.

Because of their weird schedule, her ex has them every Mother’s Day weekend, and she has them for Father’s Day.  The first Mother’s Day he had with the girls while married to wife #2, he bought #2 a bracelet with both my neighbors girl’s names on it as a Mother’s Day present. Then, #2 had the gall to thrust it in #1’s face and show how thoughtful they were to her. Can you EVEN???

Now, he thinks it would be a good idea to take them on both Father’s and Mother’s Day, you know, to give #2 and the girls a chance to bond even more.  He wants Father’s Day, as well, cause—get this—he doesn’t think it’s fair for the girls to celebrate with their StepDad and not their biological father on Father’s Day.  Fuckwah????

To be fair, he is bipolar. And, you know, a MAN.

Well, one would think that he would remember the reason that he can celebrate Father’s Day is that… HE’s A FATHER!

Why in the world would you not want to celebrate part of the day with your kids?  Sure, maybe not all of the day, but at least part of it.

I don’t think you are so much out of your tree as a bit at the end of your rope. 

First of all, asking for extra help because of work issues is *entirely* different from announcing you are going on a hiking trip. He made it clear on mother’s day that he’s got your back on the work stuff but your mental health breaks aren’t his problem. But HIS mental health break gets to be your problem. No disparity there, uh uh, noooo! Still, if he’s willing to help when you need it for work reasons, you are ahead of the game.

I’ll bet you could let the whole thing go if you weren’t in such need of a break yourself. Any chance of one?

I agree Fathers Day should come first, although I doubt it would make much of a difference. Hubby’s birthday big family to do at hockey game I nearly killed myself to pull it off. had name up on scoreboard, had mascot hug him whole nine yards. Then he complained cuz we had to leave a little early the boys got cranky. My birthday just two weeks after that…. nothing. Not even cards from the boys.
This mothers day…. he went to a hockey game. “It’s play offs” I spent the day like any other day. Stupid Hallmark for their stupid holidays. I am about ready to just give them all up.

This has nothing to do with your post, lol, but I’m loving the Design-Her dolls. I feel like I’m in 6th grade again, drawing dolls instead of studying circumference - only this time instead of ignoring my teacher, I’m just ignoring the kids - ha! Love the layout here, too!
Andrea
“Notes from a Housewife”

Uh, I have to quietly dissent here. I would put money down that as far as exchanging favors/help Gil doesn’t view a planned vacation much differently from a planned work trip. (Obviously it’s not mandatory, but plans still have to be made etc, especially if he’s been looking forward to this for a year.)

Regardless of whether he’s right or wrong, I’m guessing that if you choose not to take the kids, he may be more reluctant to help you out for work. Obviously I’ve never met the man, and you know a lot more about his modus operandi than I do, but what may be best for the long term divorced-partnership is for you to take the kids over Father’s Day.

Just my $.02

What Betsy and Cheryl said.

In answer to your question… yes, sometimes I honestly think you are.

Personally I can totally relate to this.  This Mother’s Day all I wanted was a bit of peace.  What did I get?  A hurried scurried day shuffling the children to and from church, lunch with my whole entire family and then a visit to the inlaws.  What I really wanted….was a nap.  That was it. 
Although I love my children and enjoy spending time with them.  Sometimes (especially if you are single parenting) one just wants to let their hair down.
My premiere dream Mother’s Day would consist of breakfast in bed with my husband peeling grapes and feeding them to me.  The children would get themselves ready for church and then we decide to ditch church for once and he let me go to an all day spa.  When I returned from a day of wine and cheese and gourmet chefs, massage, manicure, pedicure, liposuction..you know…all of that enjoyment I would be treated to dinner that he made….OH AND THE KIDS WOULD BE IN BED.  Not that I don’t want to spend time with them but for one day…one day I would like to just break away and eat bon bons.

My own personal motto when dealing with ex issues:  when in doubt, take the high road.  Even if you end up with nosebleeds more often than not.

From my own experience, it’s really paid off - even though I had to grit my teeth down to stubs those first couple of years.

Today’s email exchange - “I’ll pick up the dental co-pays!”  “No, *I* will - you’ve been carrying too much of this stuff, I need to kick in here!” - was proof positive it was the right long-term strategy.

I know I’m reading this way late (and commenting even later), but it reminds me that my best friend and I were discussing this and decided that a perfect Mother’s Day might be a DAY OFF.  A whole day, alone, free, lazy, or productive, as the fancy takes you, etc etc etc.  Maybe we’re way off, too, but you know this makes a bunch of us.