TheMommyBlog

ARIES (Mar 21 - Apr 19)
You are the pioneer type and hold most people in contempt. You are quick tempered, impatient, and scornful of advice. You are not very nice.

One nice thing about egotists: they don’t talk about other people.

Of course it’s the murder weapon. Who would frame someone with a fake?

You will be attacked by a beast who has the body of a wolf, the tail of a lion, and the face of Donald Duck.

I’ve given up reading books; I find it takes my mind off myself.

The society which scorns excellence in plumbing as a humble activity and tolerates shoddiness in philosophy because it is an exalted activity will have neither good plumbing nor good philosophy… neither its pipes nor its theories will hold water.

In our civilization, and under our republican form of government, intelligence is so highly honored that it is rewarded by exemption from the cares of office.
—Ambrose Bierce, The Devil’s Dictionary

THEY MISUNDERESTIMATED ME.
- George W Bush

Genderplex, n.: The predicament of a person in a restaurant who is unable to determine his or her designated restroom (e.g., turtles and tortoises).
—Rich Hall, Sniglets

Acting is an art which consists of keeping the audience from coughing.

Just because everything is different doesn’t mean anything has changed.
—Irene Peter

Marriage is the only adventure open to the cowardly.
—Voltaire

A jury consists of 12 persons chosen to decide who has the better lawyer.
—Robert Frost

I know not with what weapons World War III will be fought, but World War IV will be fought with sticks and stones.
—Albert Einstein

They spell it da Vinci and pronounce it da Vinchy. Foreigners always spell better than they pronounce.
—Mark Twain

In Pocataligo, Georgia, it is a violation for a woman over 200 pounds and attired in shorts to pilot or ride in an airplane.

Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.

It is Texas law that when two trains meet each other at a railroad crossing, each shall come to a full stop, and neither shall proceed until the other has gone.

If God had intended Man to Smoke, He would have set him on Fire.

Scott’s first Law: No matter what goes wrong, it will probably look right.

Ask five economists and you’ll get five different explanations (six if one went to Harvard).
—Edgar R. Fiedler

BASIC is the Computer Science equivalent of ‘Scientific Creationism’.

Mistakes are often the stepping stones to utter failure.

Entropy isn’t what it used to be.

The doctrine of human equality reposes on this: that there is no man really clever who has not found that he is stupid.
—Gilbert K. Chesterson

MOCK APPLE PIE (No Apples Needed)

Pastry to two crust 9-inch pie 36 RITZ Crackers
2 cups water 2 cups sugar
2 teaspoons cream of tartar 2 tablespoons lemon juice
Grated rind of one lemon Butter or margarine
Cinnamon

Roll out bottom crust of pastry and fit into 9-inch pie plate. Break RITZ Crackers coarsely into pastry-lined plate. Combine water, sugar and cream of tartar in saucepan, boil gently for 15 minutes. Add lemon juice and rind. Cool. Pour this syrup over Crackers, dot generously with butter or margarine and sprinkle with cinnamon. Cover with top crust. Trim and flute edges together. Cut slits in top crust to let steam escape. Bake in a hot oven (425 F) 30 to 35 minutes, until crust is crisp and golden. Serve warm. Cut into 6 to 8 slices.
—Found lurking on a Ritz Crackers box

Dessert is probably the most important stage of the meal, since it will be the last thing your guests remember before they pass out all over the table.
—The Anarchist Cookbook

ACHTUNG!!!
Das machine is nicht fur gefingerpoken und mittengrabben. Ist easy schnappen der springenwerk, blowenfusen und corkenpoppen mit spitzensparken. Ist nicht fur gewerken by das dummkopfen. Das rubbernecken sightseeren keepen hands in das pockets. Relaxen und vatch das blinkenlights!!!

And, my personal favorite:

Buzz off, Banana Nose; Relieve mine eyes
Of hateful soreness, purge mine ears of corn;
Less dear than army ants in apple pies
Art thou, old prune-face, with thy chestnuts worn,
Dropt from thy peeling lips like lousy fruit;
Like honeybees upon the perfum’d rose
They suck, and like the double-breasted suit
Are out of date; therefore, Banana Nose,
Go fly a kite, thy welcome’s overstayed;
And stem the produce of thy waspish wits:
Thy logick, like thy locks, is disarrayed;
Thy cheer, like thy complexion, is the pits.
Be off, I say; go bug somebody new,
Scram, beat it, get thee hence, and nuts to you.