TheMommyBlog

I just turned forty. Actually, I have been forty for fifteen hours already in China, but if I think about that for too long I’ll start dividing by zero and then the world will implode.

We arrived home a little while ago from Beijing after 30 hours of traveling by bus, air, car, and the seat of our pants. Not even the couple that flew with us to within fifty miles of our destination know what a Benny Hill episode it turned out to be. Sure, there were twelve terrific hours in the air in business class from Beijing, but the eighteen that followed courtesy of United Airlines Domestic sucked ass. I won’t go into gory details until later, so here are the highlights before I melt into my pillows:

• First leg: Awesome! Hot nuts, fillet mignon, endless libations, snuggly pillows and warm blankies.
• Cleared customs in San Francisco without a hitch!
• We were FIFTY MILES from home, but had to continue through L.A. to honor the itinerary (please, we looked for every possible loophole) before going home.
• Tried to get on the connecting flight to L.A. with one excruciatingly expensive bottle of duty-free 1995 Bordeaux and were told that it didn’t matter that we were given it to carry on board the flight from China and already checked our bags through to L.A., we were not allowed to carry it through security. It would have to go into our bags, which were already checked. Security invited us to drink the wine there (alors!) or give it up.
• Optionally, Phil could run to the check in area and see if they could box it and check it as baggage. In the end, they made him throw it away, and we had to sprint (separately) to the gate. They only held it for us because we were in first class, and I am not kidding when I say that my hair was nearly caught in the door as it was closing.
• Upon arrival in L.A., I was waved toward baggage claim while others stumbled toward connecting gates, but screeched to a halt before making a wrong turn. Alas, I had already stepped on the RED LINE dividing departure gates from the rest of the functional universe and was not allowed back in. Technically, only one foot violated the RED LINE, but RULES ARE RULES and they insisted that I had to now exit the airport via baggage claim and re-enter via check in and go through security again because I stepped on the RED LINE. I was ready to ride that argument all the way to jail, I swear to puppies, I was. It was like a scene from Silkwood. I was contaminated, and my transgression prohibited me from any contact with the inside of the concourse. Our friends were five feet away from me, trying for an alarmed and disappointed goodbye hug, but they were physically prevented from touching me. And then, as I refused to be separated, they threw Phil out along with me.
• That argument lasted just long enough for us to miss our connecting flight. We were put on standby for the next one in four hours, and then didn’t make that one either. However, our bags did.
• Once we realized that the standby list was just being rolled over and over into later flights and that there was no way out tonight, we rented a car and DROVE the last 350 miles from L.A. and thenpicked up our bags at the San Jose Airport. Did I mention that only three were there because one arrived in L.A. seven hours later than its companions? And didn’t get on the standby? They’ll deliver it tomorrow. We hope.

So now we’re home, and the house is hot as balls from being closed up for a week, I had to take a defibrillator to my computer to get it going after such a long time untouched, and there were one hundred twelve unread messages in my inbox.

I was ridiculously happy to have a shower as soon as we got home, and stepped out at exactly midnight to find Phil waiting with a crystal goblet. “Happy Birthday. Cent’anni!”

I finally figured how to get into my blog (can’t believe I don’t know how to do it when challenged with a non-cached URL), so I’ll just paste the emails I’m sending back here.

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Hi Everyone! We’re here, and it feels just like Chicago in July. I’m letting everyone know that we’re here and that business class rocks, we got too drunk on the plane but slept it off, and due to flight delay may have missed out on beach volleyball. We’re now trying to find out how to walk or cab it there after gorging in the J&J hospitality lounge. We had Chinese, go figure.

Love you and miss you already!

We took lots of pictures but can’t send now!

xxx

Mindy& Phil

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Gil: Glad to hear you’re safe! I’ll tell the kids!

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Well, NOW we’re safe… we could only hang in there for a match and a half of volleyball before our eyes fell out of our heads, and we hadn’t changed dollars for RMB yet, because hey, we’re taking the J&J bus everywhere, so there we were trying to get a cab and mentioning NOTHING about not having local currency, and I was feeling a little guilty about it until we realized the guy was LOST and had no idea where the hotel is, so he pulls off in a shopping district I know we haven’t seen before and tries to ask another cabbie for directions. Then, I gave him the hotel’s card and he starts CALLING AROUND for help, so by the time we get to the hotel the meter is twice what it should be. By this time I’m praying he’ll just take dollars, but no, and we shouldn’t have been so optimistic because this guy was the most non-aggressive driver we’d ever seen. Not timid, not afraid, just a total lack of self-preservation and purpose. Finally at the hotel Phil had to go in and exchange some money so we could pay twice the going rate (still only $4) and in the five minutes he was gone the bellhops made us move like six times in the hotel turnaround - first here, then there, no no back up, no go forward you idiot and I was willing Phil to get back here and pay this clown so we could get to a freaking bathroom. We’ve been up over 24 hours and are getting up early to see the Great Wall. Hopefully then we can send photos!

Kiss everyone!

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Gil: Don’t fall off the Great Wall as I am sure it would be a great fall.

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Morning!

Just had breakfast! Chinese again, go figure.

Up for day two, though we’re already enjoying Wednesday right now. Just got here and it’s half over already. Below is last night’s tale, and hope there will be more after the Great Wall! We’re rented a taxi for the day ($300! But it’s The! Great! Wall!) so we can hit it early, then scoot over to Tienanmen Square and snag one of those nifty Mao watches one of the girls was wearing yesterday - sort of like a Mickey Mouse watch only the hand is kind of jerky and it looks like he giving the salute every second. We’re taking orders btw if anyone wants one. We leave in thirty so I’ll check back.

Phil brought his book so he can take a pic of it on the Wall. I may push him over. It’s taking up half the backpack.

Btw? When staying here, be sure to locate the master switch for all the lights in your room BEFORE it gets dark. Nothing will turn on without it no matter how loudly you curse. And if you want any power at all, remember to stick your room key in the generator slot. I kid you not.

We’re loving it - had dim sum and scrambled eggs but passed over the spiral-shaped glutinous masses of garnish that may have been harvested from under a rock in the garden before dawn. I don’t know how many port a potties are actually ON the wall.

Oh boy, gotta go - Phil asked someone to write out all the instructions we’ll need to get to the wall and the square without the driver leaving us at any point, and now someone’s walked off with them. Must investigate.

Miss you and love you!

Mindy & Phil

P.S. The hospitality guy just came up to me to say, “I’m supposed to let you know that Phil is in the bathroom. Do you know Phil?”

“Um, yes, thank you.”

“Shall I make a general announcement?”

“Ahahahaha. No.”

Top 10 Telephone Tricks (pay close attention to #2: “Swear like a sailor to skip directly to a human operator. When that Interactive Voice Response (IVR) system’s making you navigate an endless menu of options, put your potty mouth to good use. Some IVR’s are programmed to listen for naughty words and speed you along to human help when they hear them. Adam gave this trick a try and dropping the F bomb did indeed zap him right through to a human. We suggest using this trick when you’re not within earshot of your co-workers.”

Removing Scratches from CDs and DVDs

Tips to Extend the Battery Life of Your Mobile Devices

10 Unusual Uses for Garlic

Top 10 Alternatives to Shaving Cream

6 Types of Tourists That Attract Muggers

That’s right, I’ve gone on the first leg of my great journey to Beijing. To LAX. But not for just any old layover! No! We will spend the night in a hotel, get up at oh-dark-thirty to hop a flight to San Francisco (waving to my house as we fly over), and THEN over the Pacific to China.

Made me tired just typing that again.

I’ve lined up a few posts so it won’t be so dull while we’re gone; I hate to come back to cobwebs. Oh! Reminds me: put on an out of office reply! I get scads of email from you knuckleheads as it is; lord knows what it will be like after not checking it or clearing it out for six whole days. I’m hoping to come back a new person, the kind of person who doesn’t think about checking email, who can turn her computer off for hours at a stretch, who doesn’t really care about being wired 24/7.

But then I’d never know if someone wants me to come in for a job interview. See? I can’t win.

Speaking of low- or no-tech, Dylan brought home a project from his carpentry class at camp this week. I knew it was going to be a box, but I didn’t know it would be a BOX. A BOX THAT HOLDS THINGS. And not just any old thing: it’s made especially for his Nintendo DS. That’s right, it’s a DS Box. It opens on two sides for quick and convenient access, and folds right back up so that it’s almost impervious to the elements. Perhaps its best feature is the labeling. You will never wonder, “What’s that box for?” or, “I wonder what’s in that box?” Nope, he’s got that covered from all angles.

One of the first things Phil and I will do is plan our attack for the Great Wall of China. Well, not an attack ON the wall, just to get to the wall. And maybe kick it a few times.

Phil sent me a link to an article written by a reporter who climbed the two thousand (or one thousand - can’t get a straight answer) steps up to the top. Kevin Manahan is my kind of guy, making it totally unnecessary for me to write my own account. His is already better. And funnier.

Climbing China’s Great Wall: blood, sweat, jeers
by Kevin Manahan / Newhouse News Service
Saturday August 09, 2008, 12:12 AM, Cleveland.com

No one seems to know exactly how long the wall is. The China Tourist Bureau says 3,950 miles. The Encyclopedia Britannica says 4,500 miles. Scholar Arthur Waldron, who has studied and written extensively about the wall, says its length “can’t really be determined.” And no one seems to know how long the Mutianyu climb is. One thousand steps. Two thousand. Maybe more. People who should know are guessing. Zeng, who insists he has made the climb, predicts it will take 45 minutes.

We begin.

The first set of stone staircases rises steeply to the sky, and I’m determined to count every step. But somewhere around 1,127, with my heart jabbing the Under Armour logo on the breast of my T-shirt, I lose count. My head is spinning. My clothes are drenched. I am gasping like Paris Hilton at a couture fashion show. The Great Wall of China has become the Great StairMaster.

President Bill Clinton came to Mutianyu in 1998, and as I was trudging up the mountainside I wondered how that chubby, Big Mac-eating dude made it up these steps. He didn’t. There on the side of a cable car is his name and date of visit. Call it Gondola One.

Why did he come to Mutianyu? Maybe for the breathtaking views. Maybe because it’s less crowded than Badaling and offered less of a security risk. But Zeng had his own theory: “There used to be a KFC here.”

... When I catch my breath, I call my wife and two sons, and, from the top of the world, boast of my accomplishment. I describe my greatest athletic achievement since I won the mile run on Field Day at Lafayette Junior School because Aaron Barber got a cramp.

“We’re so proud of you,” they say.

A pregnant woman walks past me.

“Uh, I’ll call you later,” I say.

See? Put my face on that guy and you’ll have the whole story. I’m beginning to think I need to pack trainers in addition to my sandals so I won’t have to chop my legs off at the ankles to take care of the blisters. But the only pair I have are those “walk fit” kind where the heel sits a bit lower than the toe, creating a more vigorous and painful experience. I wore them for four days in NJ for the Johnson & Johnson meeting and literally fell over from shin splints two blocks from the hotel. How long am I gonna last on the Great Wall??

Something like ten thousand Chinese died building and repairing this wall over the centuries. My guess is that it did the job, but was it overkill?

I mean, Hadrian’s Wall is sixteen to twenty feet tall, was built in about six years, and kept a few raiding parties out. Twenty feet’s enough, don’t you think? We’re talking Scotsmen here. Kilts would ride up, thirst would take over.

Scout: “What were those English bampots thinking, that we’d climb this mingin bit of rubble with our arses to the wind? Dinnae want tae! A dinnieken twas here! Ats tae much bather!”

Chief: “Go on! Just huv a wee shooftie tae see if there’s embdi over, or ahl give yi a Collie-buckie.”

“Gonnay no dae that! Already ah wantae boak, doin’ a dreepie! Am’fair peched just looking at the thing. Is nae a pub down the road a tick? Why don’t we stop in for a wee while and then catch a canter?”

“Stoap acting like a big jessy or ah’ll hit ye wi that hauf brick!”

“We cannae go back, neane are goin’ tae believe us. What’ll we say? ‘Nae, really, s’true! At wis dead easy! A pure skoosh!’”

‘Oh, aye, an then yer arse fell aff. Awa an hae a wash, yi barkit wee minker! Yer blootered!”

“But ma’ fit wis goupin! Ah gie’d it the full bhoona, by the way!”

“Aw did wee diddums dae a big toley in yi keks? Ach, dry yer eyes!’”

But the Chinese, no the Chinese had to make a POINT.