TheMommyBlog

MEETING YOUR OWN NEEDS

There are three aspects of meeting your own needs:

Knowing what they are.

Giving yourself permission to have them and meet them. We need a healthy dose of selfishness. And we need to learn to tolerate other people’s disapproval. Taking care of ourselves will seldom win us popularity contests.

Managing your time & energy. There is plenty said about time management but little said about energy management. We don’t only need time to do things, we need the physical and emotional energy to do them.

It is important to evaluate your lifestyle and choices in terms of the cost to your physical and emotional energy.

We need to set up our lives in a way that gives us more energy than takes from us.

If we are running on empty, nobody wins.

And then there was this little nugget buried towards the end:

Have a support system of family, friends, and neighbors so that you can have a safe place to talk about daily stresses as well as to have people to have fun with and to turn to for help.

I guess I would have read all of this earlier had I attended the program instead of ducking out for an emergency meeting with Counsel…

[Excerpted from “The Working Parent”, a training program offered by Concern: EAP]

This blog began as a universally accessible vehicle for photos and news about the kids for our far-flung relatives. I also wanted to record certain stories such as that of Dylan’s illness and our struggles as tech-boom & bust parents.

In the year and a half since then, the content has grown to encompass the whole family, my work, my friends, current events, interactions with others in the blogging community, random funny stuff, etc. But it is still at the core something I hope to give to my children; I do not make scrap books, I am a miserable keeper of photo albums, and I barely keep the baby books updated. So this is what we have instead. I do not publish anything here that I would feel uncomfortable having my extended family read, or that I would not want my children to someday read. I picture them all standing over my shoulder each and every time I post.

I’ve had some feedback from concerned observers about that point in particular; they think it would be entirely inappropriate for my kids to see some of the content. I happen to disagree for a couple of reasons: for one, they will be reading an entirely accurate, colorful, honest, loving, realistic and brave record of their early years; for another, I am no different on this blog than I am in real life. They see me every day, and with them I am snarky, loving, funny, cranky, supportive, admiring, admirable, honest, brave, and bitchy. Nothing in this blog would come as a great surprise to them. In my opinion. Which counts, because I am here, and I should know.

I have also had feedback on the public nature of this blog. There is concern that it puts the family in danger. That I have no idea who any of you really are (especially you, Genuine). That I am not being careful in my choices. That it is invading my family and taking something away from them. That I am revealing things that are best kept private. That I am playing with fire.

I don’t think I have to describe my reaction to these concerns. I think you can make an accurate guess if you know me at all.

The primary purpose of this blog has not changed. It is still the first place I run when I want to jot something down for posterity. It is also where I go for my own journal therapy. It is where I get to catch up with friends. It is where they get to catch up with me. It is my portal to a lot of really excellent information, and some of the best humor to be found anywhere. It is my support system, peopled with thousands of people like me, who are struggling with life and work and family and existential angst and what to wear to dinner tonight and how to handle bedwetting and how to get pregnant and all sorts of things that close friends discuss with one another.

The difference is that although these same elements are present in face-to-face relationships, they are concentrated and more tangible in some ways in the blogworld. Hearing someone’s thoughts is one thing. Reading those same thoughts is another; when someone takes the time to write thoughts down, they take care with the presentation, they may develop themes more deeply, they may edit and refine, they may link around a bit to flesh out the point, and they may reveal more of their own personality and tics and humanity.

Writing is extant. It can be revisited. It can be read over and over and over again and thus lead to a greater understanding of the content. It can also be a reminder of imprudent impulses and unwise choices. It can come back to haunt you. In a lot of ways, interaction through writing is a far more intimate interaction than conversation. It�s true that you don�t get the tonal nuances or the body language that goes with interpersonal interaction, but there are other riches in the written word. It is a uniquely intimate bonding vehicle.

When I was asked if I actually knew any of you, I was stunned for a moment. Everyone knows that I haven’t met any of you yet (except Sean Connery, of course), but I wasn’t about to say that I didn’t know any of you. I know some of you better than I know my co-workers. Better than some of my friends. Better than a good portion of my extended family. By sharing your writing and your photos and your thoughts, you have invited me into your homes and minds and dreams and thoughts and belief systems. I have invited you all into my home and dreams and thoughts (scary as they are) and belief systems as well. Not all of them, granted; it’s more like a tour of an historic home. You have to stay behind the velvet ropes, and there are some doors that are never open to the public.

Oh, the public. Let�s go there for a moment. This blog is technically “public.” No doubt. Anyone in the world can read it. But that�s a bit like saying that anyone in the world can look through my underwear drawer. Not so. You�d have to be invited to my house, or come with a friend, or happen to be out walking and toss up on my doorstep. Without an invitation, or a recommendation, or sheer dumb luck, you�d never find me. Or care about me, for that matter.

And let�s be honest: if you misbehave or abuse my trust, I can have you banned in a Peloponnesian minute. Poof. Uninvited. Blacklisted.

You see? I have thought some of this out!

And I could sit here all day, typing up a list of reasons why this blog is not wrong or harmful or evil or irresponsible, but it wouldn�t change the fact that it makes some people who matter to me uncomfortable.

Not everyone understands the technology. Not everyone appreciates the value of therapeutic writing. Not everyone is as sure anymore that it would be fun to see me publish a book based on my little diary. I am sure there are more than a few people made very nervous at that particular thought.

Having said all of that, please allow me to say something else, something I never thought I would actually have to verbalize: I will never, ever knowingly or willingly hurt a loved one, whether it be by publishing something hurtful on this blog, by gossiping recklessly with indiscreet people, or by running them over with my car. It�s all the same to me. Hurt is hurt, no matter what the form. And support is support, and love is love, and devotion is devotion, and steadfastness is steadfastness, no matter its form.

And I think I can say with confidence that no one close to me has suffered an image tarring here; on the contrary, there are TONS of off-limit topics and tidbits. I think I have been generous and fair and completely considerate.

There is a lot of good in this blog. There is about the same proportion as there is good in me. I don�t walk around all day talking about only my kids (really, it�s true. I don�t� I don�t!). I have other things to say. Mothering is not one-dimensional, and just because this thing is called The Mommy Blog, it doesn�t mean that I shouldn�t talk about other things as well. It�s all part of the package.

So, until I can figure out how to reconcile all of the proceeding, I may need to take a break and regroup. If you put aside all of the confusion about what I do here and why, the fact is that what I do here makes some people close to me uncomfortable, and more importantly, it makes them question my integrity and my dedication to my family. I simply cannot have that.

Above all, I am a Mommy, and I love my family and will protect them fiercely and provide for them in any way I can. I will always love them, even when I want to sell them at the flea market. It�s all part of the deal. But I will be damned if I will pretend that it is all sweetness and light and that I do not have a brain in my head or an unpopular opinion in my quiver or an edge to my tongue.

You can choose to associate with me, or not. I am not a cafeteria plan.

Stay tuned.